According to an AP story, a Christian group is looking to distribute bibles with Sunday newspapers throughout the Bible Belt.
I am glad that they are doing this. I once read in an e-mail forward, that the reason why tragedies happen to America, is because we have a separation of church and state. This will put us back in God's good graces.
Some people are upset and offended by this move. There was a quote in the story refering to the bibles being like free quaker oatmeals or AOL discs. I don't know about you all, but I'd prefer to have as many bibles as I do of "50 Free Hours of AOL" discs. I could challenge myself and read as many bibles as I can. I'd be the new world record holder.
I want to take this movement to the next level by including bibles with the Coupon Clipper mailings.
Or maybe free bible with an king-size at Burger King? Food for your stomach AND SOUL!
I am a marketing genius!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Forgot About This Awesome Thing I Got
Sorry, I forgot to tell you about this awesome thing I bought at Marshall's for $10.
I call this piece of art "A Boy Being Kissed by Fish, While Boy is Hugging Fish."
Can you believe this little guy was on clearance? I can only imagine at full price this thing must have cost about $3,000.
Actually, It kind of reminds me of something a movie villain would use to smuggle heroin or diamonds.
It would be a perfect cover, who would assume this little guy could be used for such foul things?
Then a kid, preferably the kid from Home Alone 3, would accidentally take one, and the villain would chase after him. But then, the kid would tie a paint can to a rope and hit the guy in the crotch.
Case Closed!
We can call the movie, Home Alone: Live Free or Be Alone Hard!
I call this piece of art "A Boy Being Kissed by Fish, While Boy is Hugging Fish."
Can you believe this little guy was on clearance? I can only imagine at full price this thing must have cost about $3,000.
Actually, It kind of reminds me of something a movie villain would use to smuggle heroin or diamonds.
It would be a perfect cover, who would assume this little guy could be used for such foul things?
Then a kid, preferably the kid from Home Alone 3, would accidentally take one, and the villain would chase after him. But then, the kid would tie a paint can to a rope and hit the guy in the crotch.
Case Closed!
We can call the movie, Home Alone: Live Free or Be Alone Hard!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Karaoke Contest
I'm the host of a karaoke contest on Saturday nights at Chuy's (East of McClintock on Baseline Road, Tempe, AZ)
Karaoke starts at 9 p.m. and goes 'till 1 a.m. The contest will start at 11 or so.
Details can be found here: www.azkaraokealliance.com
(Please note the karaoke alliance is nothing like the Alliance from World of Warcraft)
Karaoke starts at 9 p.m. and goes 'till 1 a.m. The contest will start at 11 or so.
Details can be found here: www.azkaraokealliance.com
(Please note the karaoke alliance is nothing like the Alliance from World of Warcraft)
Friday, July 27, 2007
Totally Forgot! I Love Wombats!
I just read a story at Yahoo! about the discovery of a giant wombat fossil. Then I realized that I totally love wombats! I think the reason why I like them so much, is because the remind me of giant hamsters.
Their cuteness is comparable to a hamster, but I believe they are more voracious then their smaller counterparts. I hear they have incredibly sharp teeth that are world-famous for chomping sandwiches and fingers.
This is my favorite picture of a wombat.
That person is like, "Whoa there little fella! You've got to conquer the bunny slope before you take on K-5!"
Their cuteness is comparable to a hamster, but I believe they are more voracious then their smaller counterparts. I hear they have incredibly sharp teeth that are world-famous for chomping sandwiches and fingers.
This is my favorite picture of a wombat.
That person is like, "Whoa there little fella! You've got to conquer the bunny slope before you take on K-5!"
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Barbaric! (Young Celeb Outreach Ministry)
I really hope somebody does something about young celebrities and their inappropriate behavior. How the f*#k am I supposed to get on with my life when I'm too busy worrying about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? Do you even know that Paris Hilton, is in fact, not from Paris?!?
I really need to start a nonprofit organization to really reach out and help these unwanted outcasts. I really think I could create an environment that they could mature and grow in. It really breaks my heart to see these affluent, innocent, children self destruct.
We need to be agents of change!
I suggest we petition all of our news media to focus more on these important issues.
Please join me, we have future generations to consider!
I really need to start a nonprofit organization to really reach out and help these unwanted outcasts. I really think I could create an environment that they could mature and grow in. It really breaks my heart to see these affluent, innocent, children self destruct.
We need to be agents of change!
I suggest we petition all of our news media to focus more on these important issues.
Please join me, we have future generations to consider!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Thank F*$^ing G*d! Easy Bake Oven's 40-Year Reign of Blood and Terror is OVER!
According to a story from Yahoo! The Easy Bake Oven has been recalled for the second time...THIS YEAR! According to the news story, there were 249 complaints of kids sticking their hands inside the oven and burning their fingers. The oven has been around for 40 years, who knows how many countless lives the Pandora's Box of Pure Evil has taken since then. It must be in the millions.
Wow.
A few observations.
1) Kids don't ever stick fingers where they don't belong
2) Ovens do not become hot while baking
3) With careful parenting, it is possible to prevent a person from burning oneself throughout their entire life.
You must be curious where I picked up this line of rational thinking. Hmmm...It was probably from about 249 parents who bought their children an easy bake oven.
Wow.
A few observations.
1) Kids don't ever stick fingers where they don't belong
2) Ovens do not become hot while baking
3) With careful parenting, it is possible to prevent a person from burning oneself throughout their entire life.
You must be curious where I picked up this line of rational thinking. Hmmm...It was probably from about 249 parents who bought their children an easy bake oven.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Celebrities
My wife never knows the lyrics to really popular songs. A lot of people also do this, but the funny thing is sometimes she doesn't know lyrics when the title of the song is the lyrics. For example, Oasis' "Don't Look Back in Anger." She didn't know those lyrics.
I have the same affliction, only it's for celebrities.
I could totally walk by Mark Linn-Baker from "Perfect Strangers" and not even know it was him! Bronson Pinchot is a different story though, I could spot him from a mile away.
Remember that funkstatic fact that people unknowingly eat about 1,000,000 spiders in their lifetime?
Well, I walk by like 50 celebrities a week, and not even notice them.
Don't walk by in mmffamgd. (Don't look back in anger)
I have the same affliction, only it's for celebrities.
I could totally walk by Mark Linn-Baker from "Perfect Strangers" and not even know it was him! Bronson Pinchot is a different story though, I could spot him from a mile away.
Remember that funkstatic fact that people unknowingly eat about 1,000,000 spiders in their lifetime?
Well, I walk by like 50 celebrities a week, and not even notice them.
Don't walk by in mmffamgd. (Don't look back in anger)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Belated Blogs?!?
One time Tom Cruise went on this show with Matt Lauer. He called Matt "glib" and also told him that he did not know the history of psychiatry. Tom Cruise knows psychiatry!
Stupid Matt Lauer, he probably likes shock-therapy and Chinese water torture. What an A-hole!
He's nothing like our beloved Tom Cruise.
Here's a scenario to wrap your head around:
If a doctor were to prescribe you some Aderol, he wouldn't do blood tests! The doctor probably doesn't even know the history of psychiatry!
Another exclamation!
If you were to see Tom Cruise about ADD, the first thing he wouldn't do is give you Aderol. Number one he'd explain to you the complete unabridged version of the history of psychiatry. Fifteen hours later, he would do a blood test. After the results, he would tell you to eat healthy diet and exercise a lot.
The beautiful thing about the Tom Cruise method (which does not alter the mind at all!) is that is works where others have failed!
Schizophrenia? Eat some broccoli, bitch.
Postpartum depression? Try walking for 30 minutes, douche bag.
PTSD? Try meditation dick-wad.
What am I like two years too late? Whatev, I need some tomato juice.
Stupid Matt Lauer, he probably likes shock-therapy and Chinese water torture. What an A-hole!
He's nothing like our beloved Tom Cruise.
Here's a scenario to wrap your head around:
If a doctor were to prescribe you some Aderol, he wouldn't do blood tests! The doctor probably doesn't even know the history of psychiatry!
Another exclamation!
If you were to see Tom Cruise about ADD, the first thing he wouldn't do is give you Aderol. Number one he'd explain to you the complete unabridged version of the history of psychiatry. Fifteen hours later, he would do a blood test. After the results, he would tell you to eat healthy diet and exercise a lot.
The beautiful thing about the Tom Cruise method (which does not alter the mind at all!) is that is works where others have failed!
Schizophrenia? Eat some broccoli, bitch.
Postpartum depression? Try walking for 30 minutes, douche bag.
PTSD? Try meditation dick-wad.
What am I like two years too late? Whatev, I need some tomato juice.
Craptacular?!?!?
So there is another company that shares the same floor as my company. They moved in about a month or so ago. That's not a big deal, but what is a big deal is how the bathroom always reeks of death because one of those dudes is always dropping loaf!
Seriously, every time I go in there, someone's stinking up the place.
First Argument to debunk: "How do you know it's not one of your coworkers?"
There's like 7 dudes that work in my office, and I walk by all of them when I go to the bathroom.
First counterpoint to demolish: "It's a bathroom, it's supposed to smell."
Does your bathroom smell like sewer-ass for 8 to 12 hours every day because of constant deification? I think not.
Supporting evidence:
1) There's this short dude that craps at least two times a day.
2) I drink a lot of water (about 1,000 gallons a day) so I'm in there multiple times during the day.
3) The smell!!!!
I also forgot to mention how unscrupulous and uncouth their crapping habits are!
I have documented proof from building management that states that one of them wipes their butt with newspaper!
Totally not cool.
Seriously, every time I go in there, someone's stinking up the place.
First Argument to debunk: "How do you know it's not one of your coworkers?"
There's like 7 dudes that work in my office, and I walk by all of them when I go to the bathroom.
First counterpoint to demolish: "It's a bathroom, it's supposed to smell."
Does your bathroom smell like sewer-ass for 8 to 12 hours every day because of constant deification? I think not.
Supporting evidence:
1) There's this short dude that craps at least two times a day.
2) I drink a lot of water (about 1,000 gallons a day) so I'm in there multiple times during the day.
3) The smell!!!!
I also forgot to mention how unscrupulous and uncouth their crapping habits are!
I have documented proof from building management that states that one of them wipes their butt with newspaper!
Totally not cool.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
The Work Polo
Last December my work gave all its employees an excellent bonus! We were able to choose from a long-sleeve dress shirt, an 80s-style sweatshirt or a polo. What makes the shirt particularly awesome is that it has the business' logo embroidered on it. Every Friday I wear my polo shirt because I love it, but nobody else does. I guess I'm just super motivated.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Wow! A Year Has Past!
It's been a crazy year of not posting blogs! Remember all of the good times we had? Like how I watched Cool Runnings for two days straight! I can't believe how much of a powerhouse superstar Doug E. Doug was back than. I mean, a whole movie dedicated to him doing a Jamaican accent?!? John Candy was once an Olympic bobsled champion?!? Talk about suspension of disbelief.
Maybe I can get some funds to make a sequel. I think the world still has some burning questions that need to be answered.
Maybe I can get some funds to make a sequel. I think the world still has some burning questions that need to be answered.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
The Apple! (originally posted on 1-7-07)
Today I saw an apple chilling on top of a vending machine.
My first instinct was to eat the apple, my mind told me, "Hey, look at that apple. I'd really like to eat one."
That thought was immediately squashed by the one that said, "Whoa! Who knows where that apple has been! It could also be laced with formaldehyde. You could die if you eat that!"
So, I did not eat the apple. I wish I did, though.
My brain immediately began to wonder if there had been a time where it was okay to eat random apples found in obscure locations.
I deduced that it was probably the time that grandparents talk about when they say, "It was a simpler time back then."
You know, when kids worked in coal mines, people would crap themselves if they took the ol' Model T over 15 miles per hour.
Then I thought about why we stopped eating randomly located fruit.
It was probably the time when assholes started sticking razor blades in apples, and gave them to children on Halloween.
Then I thought, "Who the fuck would give out an apple, let alone eat one, on Halloween?"
I than got a little hot under the collar.
One for the dickheads who gave me apples when I trick or treated as a kid, and two, for the assholes that ruined America's favorite snack with laced fruit and razor blades.
This is all true, except the part where I wrote apples were America's favorite snack.
My first instinct was to eat the apple, my mind told me, "Hey, look at that apple. I'd really like to eat one."
That thought was immediately squashed by the one that said, "Whoa! Who knows where that apple has been! It could also be laced with formaldehyde. You could die if you eat that!"
So, I did not eat the apple. I wish I did, though.
My brain immediately began to wonder if there had been a time where it was okay to eat random apples found in obscure locations.
I deduced that it was probably the time that grandparents talk about when they say, "It was a simpler time back then."
You know, when kids worked in coal mines, people would crap themselves if they took the ol' Model T over 15 miles per hour.
Then I thought about why we stopped eating randomly located fruit.
It was probably the time when assholes started sticking razor blades in apples, and gave them to children on Halloween.
Then I thought, "Who the fuck would give out an apple, let alone eat one, on Halloween?"
I than got a little hot under the collar.
One for the dickheads who gave me apples when I trick or treated as a kid, and two, for the assholes that ruined America's favorite snack with laced fruit and razor blades.
This is all true, except the part where I wrote apples were America's favorite snack.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Awkward! (With funny David Cross inflection) (Originally posted 12-13-06)
Ummm...I'm thinking of awkward things, or things that make me feel really awkward.
For one, hearing people having personal conversations in public is quite Awkard!
It's not really a pet peeve, because it doesn't really upset me, but it does make my brain hurt.
It kind of reminds me of in the movie Johnny Mnemonic, when Keanu uploads the cure for "the clap" into his brain. Yeah, it's an insane amount of info, like 320 Gb (roughly the size of the library of congress). The only way he can keep his mind sane is by doing Tai Chi in a bathroom.
When hearing someone talking on a phone extremely loud, about something extremely personal (usually a DUI, child custody), I bleed from my nose and go do Tai Chi in a bathroom.
I then go on a rant about how I want room service and a hot towel. Then a couple of Ice T's friends accidentally almost drop a car on me from a burnt out bridge.
Then Henry Rollins shows up and gets killed by a guy called the Street Preacher.
Awkward!
For one, hearing people having personal conversations in public is quite Awkard!
It's not really a pet peeve, because it doesn't really upset me, but it does make my brain hurt.
It kind of reminds me of in the movie Johnny Mnemonic, when Keanu uploads the cure for "the clap" into his brain. Yeah, it's an insane amount of info, like 320 Gb (roughly the size of the library of congress). The only way he can keep his mind sane is by doing Tai Chi in a bathroom.
When hearing someone talking on a phone extremely loud, about something extremely personal (usually a DUI, child custody), I bleed from my nose and go do Tai Chi in a bathroom.
I then go on a rant about how I want room service and a hot towel. Then a couple of Ice T's friends accidentally almost drop a car on me from a burnt out bridge.
Then Henry Rollins shows up and gets killed by a guy called the Street Preacher.
Awkward!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Checks made out of chocolate...
I received a telemarketing call from India tonight at 9:30 p.m. Not only are telemarketers annoying when they're from the U.S.A., they're 100 times more annoying when they don't speak your language, let alone understand it.
Re-enactment:
Me: Hello
Kathy (This is probably her real name too): Ahh yes, hello, may I please speak with Dahvid or Stawcee (that how she pronounced it)
Me: What's this regarding?
Kathy: Do you have a mortgage on your home?
Me: no.
Kathy: You don't have a mortgage on your home?
Me: No, I live in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, drawn by golden steeds in golden showers.
Kathy: what?
Me: I also don't have any money, I pay for everything in Monopoly money and I write checks made out of chocolate.
Kathy: chocolate?
Me: Yes, Chocolate, I write checks made out of chocolate!
Kathy: hmmsafma
(English-accent dude picks up)
ED: Ah yes Mrs. Wylie...
Me: Mr. Wylie
ED: My sales associate Kathy tells me you do not have a mortgage...
Me: That's right, I live in the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and I write checks made out of chocolate.
ED: Ah yes sir, you have a good week now.
Me: Click!
Ohh, those bastards! I dare em to call me back!
Re-enactment:
Me: Hello
Kathy (This is probably her real name too): Ahh yes, hello, may I please speak with Dahvid or Stawcee (that how she pronounced it)
Me: What's this regarding?
Kathy: Do you have a mortgage on your home?
Me: no.
Kathy: You don't have a mortgage on your home?
Me: No, I live in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, drawn by golden steeds in golden showers.
Kathy: what?
Me: I also don't have any money, I pay for everything in Monopoly money and I write checks made out of chocolate.
Kathy: chocolate?
Me: Yes, Chocolate, I write checks made out of chocolate!
Kathy: hmmsafma
(English-accent dude picks up)
ED: Ah yes Mrs. Wylie...
Me: Mr. Wylie
ED: My sales associate Kathy tells me you do not have a mortgage...
Me: That's right, I live in the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and I write checks made out of chocolate.
ED: Ah yes sir, you have a good week now.
Me: Click!
Ohh, those bastards! I dare em to call me back!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Stephen King? Times 3?!?
In my office building, lurks Stephen king. Not just one Stephen King, but THREE!!! Count 'em THREEE! It really freaks me out when I see one of the Steph (Steve) clones, but today I rode in the elevator with all THREE! I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I mean, I was standing there with Stephen King to the third power. The very man who haunted many of my childhood dreams with movies like Creepshow, The Shining and It.
But the weird thing about Steve3 is that all of them represent a a different Steph (Steve). There's a young one, a middle aged one and an old one.
Young one looks like the Steph (Steve) from that one John Carpenter movie, where he made a cameo (Kameo, Elements of Power)
The MA one looks about the time about the movie The Stand.
And TO one look like Steph (Steve) now.
Creepy.
Creepier then Leslie Neilsen in Creepshow and all those infomercials that advertised The Stand at 3 a.m. in th morining during the 80s/90s: COMBINED!
But the weird thing about Steve3 is that all of them represent a a different Steph (Steve). There's a young one, a middle aged one and an old one.
Young one looks like the Steph (Steve) from that one John Carpenter movie, where he made a cameo (Kameo, Elements of Power)
The MA one looks about the time about the movie The Stand.
And TO one look like Steph (Steve) now.
Creepy.
Creepier then Leslie Neilsen in Creepshow and all those infomercials that advertised The Stand at 3 a.m. in th morining during the 80s/90s: COMBINED!
Thursday, January 19, 2006
A True Story of Friendship!
So I was reading yahoo news today, and I saw a true story of friendship. A rat snake and a hamster have been friends since October, living in a cardboard box cage in a Tokyo zoo.
The hamster was originally fed to the snake (who is a finicky eater) when it refused to eat frozen mice.
Re-enactment:
Zoo Keeper: Come on snake! Eat your food! You want to grow up like your daddy and be strong, right?
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you let the airplane land in the hangar? Vrrrooom!
(Zoo Keeper makes airplane motions with the frozen mice-cicle)
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you like something fresh?
Rat Snake Uh..HUH! (Shakes head yes)
(The zoo keeper then feeds the hamster to the snake, the snake falls in love with hamster)
Rat Snake: (to hamster) My mind...is telling me no! But my body, my body is telllling me yess!!!
(Hamster eats a sunflower seed)
Fin
Do you know what this means!?! Rats love to eat hamsters, hamsters don't like snakes because they eat rodents. These two individual animals have totally crossed the species barrier, paving way for future relations.
Pretty soon, snake riding hamsters will take over the world!
But on a soft note...nothing is more cute when a hamster sleeps on a snake.
The hamster was originally fed to the snake (who is a finicky eater) when it refused to eat frozen mice.
Re-enactment:
Zoo Keeper: Come on snake! Eat your food! You want to grow up like your daddy and be strong, right?
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you let the airplane land in the hangar? Vrrrooom!
(Zoo Keeper makes airplane motions with the frozen mice-cicle)
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you like something fresh?
Rat Snake Uh..HUH! (Shakes head yes)
(The zoo keeper then feeds the hamster to the snake, the snake falls in love with hamster)
Rat Snake: (to hamster) My mind...is telling me no! But my body, my body is telllling me yess!!!
(Hamster eats a sunflower seed)
Fin
Do you know what this means!?! Rats love to eat hamsters, hamsters don't like snakes because they eat rodents. These two individual animals have totally crossed the species barrier, paving way for future relations.
Pretty soon, snake riding hamsters will take over the world!
But on a soft note...nothing is more cute when a hamster sleeps on a snake.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Breaking News!
I just had band practice, and the drummer of my band told be some breaking news.
He created a song, Jimi, for a music class, which his group IDentity Crisis (http://www.myspace.com/sumatymeandctx) performs. He samples Jimi Hendrix and he raps over it. The song sounds great, but I guess from what he told me, the peeps in his class said that he edited his voice by speeding it up to match the song. He didn't cheat, I'll re-enact the story.
At some community college in Glendale...
Teacher: James your song.
(James plays song for class.)
Hater 1: You can't rap that fast.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 2: No you can't.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 1 & 2: PROVE IT!
(James proceeds to rap through the song, incinerating all who shall hate!)
Micro Machines Guy: holymackeral,icantevenspeakthatfast.collectall152!
(Denoument)
James made history that day, rapping faster than the Micro Machine Guy. Later he went on to the fastest rap competition, and won gold prize.
THE END!
He created a song, Jimi, for a music class, which his group IDentity Crisis (http://www.myspace.com/sumatymeandctx) performs. He samples Jimi Hendrix and he raps over it. The song sounds great, but I guess from what he told me, the peeps in his class said that he edited his voice by speeding it up to match the song. He didn't cheat, I'll re-enact the story.
At some community college in Glendale...
Teacher: James your song.
(James plays song for class.)
Hater 1: You can't rap that fast.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 2: No you can't.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 1 & 2: PROVE IT!
(James proceeds to rap through the song, incinerating all who shall hate!)
Micro Machines Guy: holymackeral,icantevenspeakthatfast.collectall152!
(Denoument)
James made history that day, rapping faster than the Micro Machine Guy. Later he went on to the fastest rap competition, and won gold prize.
THE END!
All Creepiness Aside...
Ok, I think I'm ready to post. My first topic - "Beer Truck Delivering Beer to Construction Site."
Today, from the 8th floor of a skyscraper, I saw a Miller Lite Truck parked at this construction site. I took a look at it, and screamed at the little dudes working down there,
"You can't drink on the job."
"Yes we can," they said.
"No you can't," I retorted.
Then a girl walked by wearing a mini-skirt, and like typical construction dudes, they started cat-calling her. That was the end of the conversation.
To this day the mystery of the Miller Lite Truck is still unsolved, but late at night, somewhere in downtown Phoenix, you can hear the sound of a truck, delivering beer to construction dudes.
Today, from the 8th floor of a skyscraper, I saw a Miller Lite Truck parked at this construction site. I took a look at it, and screamed at the little dudes working down there,
"You can't drink on the job."
"Yes we can," they said.
"No you can't," I retorted.
Then a girl walked by wearing a mini-skirt, and like typical construction dudes, they started cat-calling her. That was the end of the conversation.
To this day the mystery of the Miller Lite Truck is still unsolved, but late at night, somewhere in downtown Phoenix, you can hear the sound of a truck, delivering beer to construction dudes.
Does anyone read this?
Umm...let me think...everyone in the world has a blog. The only reason I can think of having one, is that everyone I know has one. The reasons to not have a blog - too many to count. But screw it, here it is. I don't know, there's something creepy about a blog, like if something would happen to you, and then people would read it, and be like, "That dude was weird."
Anyway, maybe like three people will read this.
Baby Niece (i before e except after c) countdown: 1 day!
Anyway, maybe like three people will read this.
Baby Niece (i before e except after c) countdown: 1 day!
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