Something Weird Happened...

I was flipping through the channels on Sunday and I saw a movie called "Chain Reaction" (I immediately thought it was going to be awesome). When I changed the channel, I felt disappointment instead of jubilation. Instead of awesome, I saw Keanu Reeves invent some laser-beam-water-power thing while Morgan Freeman chomped a cigar.

I guess somewhere in my brain I thought I was about to watch "Chill Factor" starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
What a weird mistake to make!

I also watched Reindeer Games starring Ben Afleck this weekend. I didn't mistakenly watch it, but...it was a mistake to watch it.

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Now playing: I Am The Avalanche - New Disaster
via FoxyTunes

They Hunger for Living Flesh!

This is a photo of when President Bush went to visit zombie victims.


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Now playing: Strike Anywhere - Blaze

New Graphic Novel Concept

I'm looking for someone to greenlight this graphic novel concept I've come up with.
It's totally a remix of something that's been popular for like 2,000 years: Sherlock Holmes.
The 21st Century twist is that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's protagonist is now a phantasmal spirit (a ghost).
I'm kind of pitching it as a cyberpunk, noir, post-apocalyptic mash-up with some New Orleans Zydeco flavor.
Here is the concept art:
Version 1.0


Version 2.0
The estimated project budget is $3 billion. Cashier's check accepted.
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Now playing: Brand New - Okay I Believe You, but My Tommy Gun Don't
posted with FoxyTunes

Jawesome Photoshopping I Did

Title: Requiem Du Vampire Kid, 2007


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Now playing: Rise Against - Voices Off Camera
posted with FoxyTunes

The Recall of 1,000,000 Toys (A.K.A. The Rise of the Robots)

Look, I was eating lead-painted toys for a good part of my life. Totally did not mess me up, just read this blog.
Robots are the ones who paint toys now, didn't you know? We told them in 1985 not to use lead paint. Looks like they did not get the memo.
What I think is pretty weird about the whole thing, is normally when toys get recalled, they're pretty much shitty toys that no one bought to begin with. Kind of like an 8-legged, playpen-bouncy-chair-hybrid.
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Now playing: The Format - If Work Permits
posted with FoxyTunes

Steak Salad

Steak Salad was the number 7 most searched term on Yahoo today.
Unfortunately, "Leukemia Symptoms" and the ever popular "Jenna Elfman" (from t.v.'s Dharma and Greg) defeated America's favorite son, Steak Salad.
Stay tuned to some more awesome things that people don't really search for. Web robots actually do the searching so you think things are popular. Robots are extremely jealous of human taste buds and this usually results in a favorite food dish, i.e. Macaroni & Cheeze, making the list of top searched terms. You can command a robot to continually search for Jenna Elfman, but every 100th search or so, it will search for "pizza" or "surf n turf" instead.
Why would I believe something like that?
The day in reality where Jenna Elfman is more popular than a steak salad, the internet will explode.
On a high note, Steak Salad defeated Birthday Ecards.

From www.yahoo.com, Aug. 1, 2007.

Finally! News That Makes Sense.

According to an AP story, a Christian group is looking to distribute bibles with Sunday newspapers throughout the Bible Belt.
I am glad that they are doing this. I once read in an e-mail forward, that the reason why tragedies happen to America, is because we have a separation of church and state. This will put us back in God's good graces.
Some people are upset and offended by this move. There was a quote in the story refering to the bibles being like free quaker oatmeals or AOL discs. I don't know about you all, but I'd prefer to have as many bibles as I do of "50 Free Hours of AOL" discs. I could challenge myself and read as many bibles as I can. I'd be the new world record holder.
I want to take this movement to the next level by including bibles with the Coupon Clipper mailings.
Or maybe free bible with an king-size at Burger King? Food for your stomach AND SOUL!
I am a marketing genius!

Forgot About This Awesome Thing I Got

Sorry, I forgot to tell you about this awesome thing I bought at Marshall's for $10.

I call this piece of art "A Boy Being Kissed by Fish, While Boy is Hugging Fish."
Can you believe this little guy was on clearance? I can only imagine at full price this thing must have cost about $3,000.
Actually, It kind of reminds me of something a movie villain would use to smuggle heroin or diamonds.
It would be a perfect cover, who would assume this little guy could be used for such foul things?
Then a kid, preferably the kid from Home Alone 3, would accidentally take one, and the villain would chase after him. But then, the kid would tie a paint can to a rope and hit the guy in the crotch.
Case Closed!
We can call the movie, Home Alone: Live Free or Be Alone Hard!

Karaoke Contest

I'm the host of a karaoke contest on Saturday nights at Chuy's (East of McClintock on Baseline Road, Tempe, AZ)
Karaoke starts at 9 p.m. and goes 'till 1 a.m. The contest will start at 11 or so.
Details can be found here: www.azkaraokealliance.com
(Please note the karaoke alliance is nothing like the Alliance from World of Warcraft)

Funny Movies

I made some funny movies and put them on my myspace page.
You can check them out here.

Totally Forgot! I Love Wombats!

I just read a story at Yahoo! about the discovery of a giant wombat fossil. Then I realized that I totally love wombats! I think the reason why I like them so much, is because the remind me of giant hamsters.
Their cuteness is comparable to a hamster, but I believe they are more voracious then their smaller counterparts. I hear they have incredibly sharp teeth that are world-famous for chomping sandwiches and fingers.
This is my favorite picture of a wombat.
That person is like, "Whoa there little fella! You've got to conquer the bunny slope before you take on K-5!"

Barbaric! (Young Celeb Outreach Ministry)

I really hope somebody does something about young celebrities and their inappropriate behavior. How the f*#k am I supposed to get on with my life when I'm too busy worrying about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? Do you even know that Paris Hilton, is in fact, not from Paris?!?
I really need to start a nonprofit organization to really reach out and help these unwanted outcasts. I really think I could create an environment that they could mature and grow in. It really breaks my heart to see these affluent, innocent, children self destruct.
We need to be agents of change!
I suggest we petition all of our news media to focus more on these important issues.
Please join me, we have future generations to consider!

Thank F*$^ing G*d! Easy Bake Oven's 40-Year Reign of Blood and Terror is OVER!

According to a story from Yahoo! The Easy Bake Oven has been recalled for the second time...THIS YEAR! According to the news story, there were 249 complaints of kids sticking their hands inside the oven and burning their fingers. The oven has been around for 40 years, who knows how many countless lives the Pandora's Box of Pure Evil has taken since then. It must be in the millions.
Wow.
A few observations.
1) Kids don't ever stick fingers where they don't belong
2) Ovens do not become hot while baking
3) With careful parenting, it is possible to prevent a person from burning oneself throughout their entire life.

You must be curious where I picked up this line of rational thinking. Hmmm...It was probably from about 249 parents who bought their children an easy bake oven.

Celebrities

My wife never knows the lyrics to really popular songs. A lot of people also do this, but the funny thing is sometimes she doesn't know lyrics when the title of the song is the lyrics. For example, Oasis' "Don't Look Back in Anger." She didn't know those lyrics.
I have the same affliction, only it's for celebrities.
I could totally walk by Mark Linn-Baker from "Perfect Strangers" and not even know it was him! Bronson Pinchot is a different story though, I could spot him from a mile away.
Remember that funkstatic fact that people unknowingly eat about 1,000,000 spiders in their lifetime?
Well, I walk by like 50 celebrities a week, and not even notice them.

Don't walk by in mmffamgd. (Don't look back in anger)

Belated Blogs?!?

One time Tom Cruise went on this show with Matt Lauer. He called Matt "glib" and also told him that he did not know the history of psychiatry. Tom Cruise knows psychiatry!
Stupid Matt Lauer, he probably likes shock-therapy and Chinese water torture. What an A-hole!
He's nothing like our beloved Tom Cruise.
Here's a scenario to wrap your head around:
If a doctor were to prescribe you some Aderol, he wouldn't do blood tests! The doctor probably doesn't even know the history of psychiatry!
Another exclamation!
If you were to see Tom Cruise about ADD, the first thing he wouldn't do is give you Aderol. Number one he'd explain to you the complete unabridged version of the history of psychiatry. Fifteen hours later, he would do a blood test. After the results, he would tell you to eat healthy diet and exercise a lot.
The beautiful thing about the Tom Cruise method (which does not alter the mind at all!) is that is works where others have failed!
Schizophrenia? Eat some broccoli, bitch.
Postpartum depression? Try walking for 30 minutes, douche bag.
PTSD? Try meditation dick-wad.
What am I like two years too late? Whatev, I need some tomato juice.

Craptacular?!?!?

So there is another company that shares the same floor as my company. They moved in about a month or so ago. That's not a big deal, but what is a big deal is how the bathroom always reeks of death because one of those dudes is always dropping loaf!
Seriously, every time I go in there, someone's stinking up the place.
First Argument to debunk: "How do you know it's not one of your coworkers?"
There's like 7 dudes that work in my office, and I walk by all of them when I go to the bathroom.
First counterpoint to demolish: "It's a bathroom, it's supposed to smell."
Does your bathroom smell like sewer-ass for 8 to 12 hours every day because of constant deification? I think not.
Supporting evidence:
1) There's this short dude that craps at least two times a day.
2) I drink a lot of water (about 1,000 gallons a day) so I'm in there multiple times during the day.
3) The smell!!!!

I also forgot to mention how unscrupulous and uncouth their crapping habits are!
I have documented proof from building management that states that one of them wipes their butt with newspaper!
Totally not cool.

The Work Polo

Last December my work gave all its employees an excellent bonus! We were able to choose from a long-sleeve dress shirt, an 80s-style sweatshirt or a polo. What makes the shirt particularly awesome is that it has the business' logo embroidered on it. Every Friday I wear my polo shirt because I love it, but nobody else does. I guess I'm just super motivated.

Wow! A Year Has Past!

It's been a crazy year of not posting blogs! Remember all of the good times we had? Like how I watched Cool Runnings for two days straight! I can't believe how much of a powerhouse superstar Doug E. Doug was back than. I mean, a whole movie dedicated to him doing a Jamaican accent?!? John Candy was once an Olympic bobsled champion?!? Talk about suspension of disbelief.
Maybe I can get some funds to make a sequel. I think the world still has some burning questions that need to be answered.

The Apple! (originally posted on 1-7-07)

Today I saw an apple chilling on top of a vending machine.
My first instinct was to eat the apple, my mind told me, "Hey, look at that apple. I'd really like to eat one."
That thought was immediately squashed by the one that said, "Whoa! Who knows where that apple has been! It could also be laced with formaldehyde. You could die if you eat that!"
So, I did not eat the apple. I wish I did, though.
My brain immediately began to wonder if there had been a time where it was okay to eat random apples found in obscure locations.
I deduced that it was probably the time that grandparents talk about when they say, "It was a simpler time back then."
You know, when kids worked in coal mines, people would crap themselves if they took the ol' Model T over 15 miles per hour.
Then I thought about why we stopped eating randomly located fruit.
It was probably the time when assholes started sticking razor blades in apples, and gave them to children on Halloween.
Then I thought, "Who the fuck would give out an apple, let alone eat one, on Halloween?"
I than got a little hot under the collar.
One for the dickheads who gave me apples when I trick or treated as a kid, and two, for the assholes that ruined America's favorite snack with laced fruit and razor blades.
This is all true, except the part where I wrote apples were America's favorite snack.

Awkward! (With funny David Cross inflection) (Originally posted 12-13-06)

Ummm...I'm thinking of awkward things, or things that make me feel really awkward.
For one, hearing people having personal conversations in public is quite Awkard!
It's not really a pet peeve, because it doesn't really upset me, but it does make my brain hurt.
It kind of reminds me of in the movie Johnny Mnemonic, when Keanu uploads the cure for "the clap" into his brain. Yeah, it's an insane amount of info, like 320 Gb (roughly the size of the library of congress). The only way he can keep his mind sane is by doing Tai Chi in a bathroom.
When hearing someone talking on a phone extremely loud, about something extremely personal (usually a DUI, child custody), I bleed from my nose and go do Tai Chi in a bathroom.
I then go on a rant about how I want room service and a hot towel. Then a couple of Ice T's friends accidentally almost drop a car on me from a burnt out bridge.
Then Henry Rollins shows up and gets killed by a guy called the Street Preacher.
Awkward!