No One is Safe

In the not so distant future, Plague will reign supreme! People will cough at a rate of 240 coughs per hour (CPH), but I will suffer only about 30 sniffles per hour (SPH) since I will be prepared.
Here's a list to help you survive, for whenever Plague will strike.
Hint: It will most likely be misnamed something weird.

Tip 1) Wear a beard net

Ummm...That's all I have. I'm not really a survivalist or anything. Oh wait, wash your hands.
Cya until next time!


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Now playing: Say Anything - This Is Fucking Ecstacy
via FoxyTunes

Progress? (A Bates Story)

So anyway, I started playing Dungeon and Dragons Online recently. I created a wizard character named Michael Wayne Bates. Bates typically hates this type of adoration I bestow on him, but I was shocked to see his response to my Facebook announcement.

So, I was pretty psyched that Bates had kind of given his seal of approval for my new endeavor. This inspired me to make this tribute to him.
You know, I really thought Bates and I were taking our relationship to the next level; making some real progress.
So today, I posted this on Facebook. It solicited this response...

Que sera, sera. Wait, should I say Que Bates, Bates?

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Now playing: Brand New - At The Bottom
via FoxyTunes

Great Moment of the 1980's

Back in 1985, Lane Meyer was dumped by his girlfriend. She dumped him after he failed to qualify for the high school ski team. Anyway, a bunch of silly shit happened shortly after, and he met a French chick (who was coincidentally a British princess from thee Dark Ages). Then some more silly shit happened, and then he challenged this douche bag to a ski race on the most difficult course: The K12!
Here's where the great moment occurred. Lane beat the db using only one ski! Some credit his win to him being chased by a paper boy, but most credit his success to the awesome coaching he received from Booger (who was in Revenge of the Nerds).
Stay tuned for more fun facts from the 80's!

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Now playing: The Unseen - Hit and Run
via FoxyTunes

Muzak

Muzak is not very good. No, not at all.

I will offer this analogy: regular music is like a healthy person and Muzak a like a zombie creating virus.

Not does only Muzak stink like rotting flesh (for your ear lobes that is), it is infectious and can only be removed from your brain by a bullet. There is no cure, only prevention.

Anyway, seems like when a musak-ized song doesn't sound Kenny G. or Anya, it sounds like that violin part from that song "Come On Eileen".

Weird, huh?

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - What A Catch Donnie
via FoxyTunes

Señor Brain (Another Idea)

The Internet we all know and love was actually Al Gore's second attempt!
The first attempt involved an astronaut's brain inside an Apple II computer! When Al Gore realized his creation was to powerful (and indestructible), he sent it/him to the Artic Seed Bank. You know, the place where they store all of those seeds in case of Armageddon or robot invasion?
I digress, turns out an ancient alien Satellite reboots Señor Brain and enlists him/it to battle justice through infinite time and space! Time Bandits are/were/will be wreaking havoc on the space time continuum and The Señor is the only one who can stop them! He uses mind control and telekinesis battle the brutal beasts!
Anyway, I've found the archives, or future files, or whatever of the Astronaut Brain's Time (and Space) Traveling adventures. (He was/will be named Señor Brain by a stripper from Little Cuba)


Don't worry about the physics behind this, cause it's already done. The reality you are reading this in is the result of Señor Brain's past/present/future actions.
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Now playing: Say Anything - Do Better
via FoxyTunes

Remember that Movie With John Travolta?

John Travolta was in this movie where he had brain cancer that made him smart. He like invented a space ship out of a toilet. That's pretty smart, but I think I am also that F'ing smart.

Now, remember that movie with John Travolta, where he is bald and uncharacteristically bad ass? I think I am equally as (if not more) bad ass.

Here's proof:

Yeah, that just happened.

A Guide to Corporate Culture

Oh, hey. Long time no see. What's new with you? Me? Nothing much. I moved to the Midwest and got a corporate gig doing something totally awesome.

I guess I'm adjusting well, but I sure could use some tips on how to better get acclimated to a something corporate environment.

You happen to have such a guide!? Please let me glean some arcane knowledge from this tome of darkness! It's not a tome? Oh, it's an audio book called...

Hi, welcome to the last book you will ever need! This "survival" handbook will make you "leader of the pack" in little or no time at all! (Granted you can hide that DUI you got last weekend from your employer!)

Set down that latte and tighten your seatbelt. Your future awaits!

Lesson 1: No more dick jokes.

I know what you're thinking, "Hank, you HAVE got to be wanking me! My devil-may-care, shoot-from-the-hip style made me top dog in the local office!"

That may be true, but you're running with a new, more sophisticated pack!

Statistics show that 8 out of 10 layoffs and terminations are due to poor performance, 1 of the other 2 is attributed to death, and the other 1 is due to sexual harassment.

So next time you're about to say, "Hey y'all, I've got to go bleed the lizard." Instead say,"Please pardon my absence, I must drain the wastewater from my bladder."

Suave remarks like this will make you the toast of tinsel town!

Remember: An executive is 90% manners and 10% water!

Because I Enjoyed Spiderman 3?!?!?

Most often my Netflix gets me. Every once in awhile, I get one of these. You would think after me rating 100s of obscure, and mainstream movies, Netflix would have found a better movie to connect to than Spiderman 3.
I mean, it's always right when it suggests a Steven Segal or Jean Claude Van Damme movie. How could it be so wrong this time?!?!?
I demand answers...wait. Maybe Netflix doesn't want me to watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
In that case, Netflix, you always know what's right for me!
Bonus Story on Kevin James!
A couple of days ago I was having a converation about not wanting to see this movie.
A friend of mine said it could be good because, "Kevin James saved the movie Hitch." First, Hitch is a horrible movie. Second, that's the stupidest reason I've heard of to watch a movie.
~ The End ~

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Now playing: Rise Against - 401 Kill
via FoxyTunes

Bargain Shopping

Here's a little known fact about me: I am an excellent bargain shopper. I think it's hereditary, because my mother seems to have the same magical ability.
Please let me elicit more on this topic that SO desperately needs to be expanded upon.
A beginner bargain hound is able to find obvious buys. For example, sales usually listed in the ad of a newspaper.
A typical Journeyman Bargain Hound can easily find awesome movies in the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart.
An Expert Bargain Hound (simply referred to as THE Bargain Hound) can find amazing deals on shoes, clothes, movies and other necessities.
Now, let me tell you about the amazing deal I found today...

Your eyes doth don't deceive you! That is Stool Softener for only 80 cents!
A deal of this magnitude elevates me to the Platinum Level of Bargain Hounding!!!
To commemorate this achievement, I doth bestow this award onto me.

Ultimate Bargain Hound!

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Now playing: Unwritten Law - Underground
via FoxyTunes

If You Seek Amy...

Oh my God! Did you know that the title of Brittney Spears' new single spells out F.U.C.K. me!
I actually don't give a crap, but more importantly, I'm calling dibs on the intellectual property rights to the song called "Spell I-CUP."
I also call dibs and the followup smash hit called, "Hold Your Tongue and Say Apple."
She's so clever!

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Now playing: Thursday - Steps Ascending
via FoxyTunes

Jeff and David's Most Exciting Triumphant Laughlin Adventure (2009)

I just spent the weekend in Laughlin with some friends. I don't remember much because I was partying like I was in Vegas.

From what I remember the adventure I had with my friend Jeff was like Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, only it happened in Laughlin, didn't involve hardcore drug use, destruction of property, mayhem or anything else Hunter S. Thompson experienced in his trip to Vegas.

Here's what I can piece together from my blurry memory and some pictures I took with my cell phone.

It started when we saw this picture of Heidi Constack and her $1,000 grand prize. I think it may have inspired me and Jeff to become winners.











We then went and drank the worst tasting 99 cent margarita.













We then decided we were going to ride the train the circles the hotel. We didn't know where the train station was, so, we just walked on the railroad tracks.












We got bored and then walked up some stairs. We then accidentally discovered the train station. Unfortunately, the train wasn't running at 11 pm.













We then posed by a painting.











And we concluded the adventure by walking down some stairs.











Pretty amazing, huh?
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Now playing: Anti-Flag - Antithetic to the Cure
via FoxyTunes

Robocop 2010?

Director Darren Aronofsky is slated to direct a new Robocop movie.
This made me ponder.
Can a man of his artistic integrity take something like Robocop and mold it into something artistic?
I think there's really nothing he can do to make Robocop any less cliche...unless he remakes Bladerunner.
Maybe...
If he made Robocop the head of an orphanage for cyborg children, then that would be a more compelling story.
Oh well, if you're going to make a blockbuster, go big, go cliche and go all the way!
Here's Ten Tips for making the new Robocop movie awesome:
1) Make it Ultra-Violent. I want nothing less the 70 kills in the movie. If it's going to be better than Robocop 1 and 2, it better have more kills than both of them combined. If you want to redeem Robocop 3, make it 80 kills.
2) "Freeze, creep!" better make it into the script.
3) Don't do anything from Robocop 3. Not even jet packs!
4) "I'd by that for a dollar."
5) Don't change Robocop's Apple II programming.
6) Use the script of Johnny Mnemonic but replace Keanu Reaves with Robocop.
7) Don't have Officer Lewis be in the movie. She's the reason he got capped and she also sucks.
8) Have him team with a Johhny 5 or Rob Schneider.
9) Have that megalomaniac kid from Robocop 2 return as a cyborg.
10) Don't make Robocop time travel. That's ridiculous.

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Now playing: I Am Ghost - Pretty People Never Lie - Vampires Really Never Die
via FoxyTunes

Dear NBC...

...I fucking hate you.
How dare you cancel the most amazing TV show ever, My Own Worst Enemy? Before the release of the show, you were like, "Oooo...it's Christian Slater. He's got a split personality. Eeehh..he's twice the Christian Slater for the price of one!"
You know, I was a little skeptical at first.
But, God dammit NBC, you hooked me!
I watched 6 hours of that amazing hair, charm and charisma just for you to cancel it.
I fucking hate you.
Now, I am going to list some reasons why you are a moron, NBC.
Young Guns II, Interview with a Vampire, Kuffs, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Broken Arrow, Hard Rain, Heathers and, again, Kuffs.
Also, Untamed Heart (for my wife).
What? A list of movies is not reasons why you're a dumb asshole? Go watch those movies and get back to me when you're done. Hopefully you can un-cancel My Own Worst Enemy before it's too late.
Douche.
(PS Let's not mention Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. I refuse to mention Kevin Costner and Christian Slater in the same sentence. Oops! I just did)
(PPS You're also a dillhole for hyping The Office and then 20 minutes in, you're like, "Stay tuned for more Office!"
Then you pad the last six minutes of the show with car commercials and some out-of-context scene that's too shitty to make the final cut. How about I don't read Jim Halpert's blog, and you go fuck yourself.)
(PPPS Sorry for the crass language, but I'm deeply hurt.)
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Now playing: Good Riddance - Heresy, Hypocrisy, & Revenge
via FoxyTunes

Another Crap Story

Last year I posted a blog about the crapping habits of a company located on the same floor in my old office building.
Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot!
I currently work for a company that must crap 10 tons per capita!
Every time I go to the bathroom there is someone crapping. For the most part, they're always crapping in the handicap stall. There aren't any disabled persons that work in the building, but I still think crapping in the handicap stall is completely unacceptable! I think taking a crap in that stall is like telling everyone who's in a wheelchair to fuck off...nay...it's like telling a person in a wheelchair that needs to take a crap to fuck off.
My dearest apologies, m'lady, I do have a point to this story.

I was taking a leak today and some guy, who happened to be peeing next to me, commented on the cans of air freshener. I really don't mind talking to people I know while I'm peeing, but I really think it's weird to drum up small talk with a stranger whilst my hand is on my johnson.
Anyway, he said, "Whoa. I wonder why they brought air fresheners in here."
I replied, "It's probably because this place smells like crap."
He then said dumbfounded, "Whoa! Are you saying that all of your employees are full of shit?"
I said, while washing my hands, "No, I think it's because the bathroom smells like crap."
As I was exiting, he said something clever about crap again, but I wasn't really paying attention.
~Fin~

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Now playing: The Streets - The Escapist
via FoxyTunes

It's Been Awhile (Again)

I'm back for as long as my attention span and video game distractions allow me.
I'm going to work on finishing the last episode of G.O.S.H. (You remember, that ghost and the mannish girl that solve mysteries for drug money)
I'll keep you posted!

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Now playing: Alkaline Trio - This Could Be Love
via FoxyTunes

Psychic Kids...

Lately, I've been watching some unbelievably awful reality TV programs. Coincidentally, it started while I was in Loveland, CO and most of those shows are on A&E.
One of those shows is called "Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal."
The premise is that these children have paranormal abilities. Their abilities range from seeing ghosts to reading auras.
You would think that trying to determine if a child is a Schizophrenic or clairvoyant would be funny or interesting, but it isn't.
The show, however, taught me that if my house is possessed by a demon, I can just tell it to go away. That's pretty comforting.
The best thing that came from watching the show, is that I got an idea for a funny Photoshop.

Psychic Kids: Goats of the Paranormal

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Now playing: Youth Brigade - Believe In Something
via FoxyTunes

Sims 2 Fiasco

To Whom it May Concern,
My copy of the Sims 2 will not work on my desktop PC at home :(
It seems that my Super Ultra Gaming rig from 6 years ago is no longer "Super" or "Ultra."
Oh well, I guess I'm stuck playing as Roman Mike Bates for the rest of my Sims 1 days.

The Discombobulated Head of Mike W. Bates (Roman Style)

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Now playing: The Streets - Stay Positive
via FoxyTunes

CEO Income from Home!?!?!?!

As I was driving home from my non-CEO job, I saw a sign stuck in the dirt that told me I could make CEO income from home!
I got so excited, but that quickly faded.
At the bottom of the sign it said, "Don't believe, don't call."
So I didn't.

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Now playing: Bayside - Landing Feet First
via FoxyTunes

The Sims 2: Chronicles of Loveland, Conclusion

So, I'm back in Arizona, back to the heat.
It feels good to back and normal.
All in all it was a good trip. I thought that Colorado was beautiful and quiet and that the locals were a bit odd, but nice. I also thought that my hotel room smelled like a diaper.
I didn't go out and do anything when I wasn't working.
I wanted to go to that hotel from The Shining, but instead I played The Sims 2 and watched Cartoon Network.
I think that living vicariously in the virtual world was probably actually cooler than living in the real Loveland, CO. Especially when you are a virtual copy of body builder and Sardinian actor/director, Franco Columbu.
I'm going to get back to playing fake instruments, now. Cya later!
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Now playing: Panic! At The Disco - Northern Downpour
via FoxyTunes

Fire Alarm Deluxe: Chronicles of Loveland, Part 2

Nothing is so freaking cool than a fire alarm going off 6:15 a.m..
You know what's better?
Being naked in the shower when it happens.
At that time I made a conscious decision to risk death and smoke inhalation to exit the hotel wearing clothes. Good thing, cause it was a false alarm, and the hotel staff couldn't turn it off an hour. What a way to enjoy my free continental buffet!
It got better when I went out to lunch with my new manager and coworkers. We ate at awesome Mexican food place called Guadalara, in Windsor, CO.
I ordered a burrito called the Deluxe Burrito. It weighed about 7 pounds, had a lot of stuff on it, topped off with a tomato slice.
It was amazing...for about 30 minutes until it turned into a Deluxe BM. The BM weighed about 7 pounds too.
After work, I went searching for a grocery store, but couldn't find one and got bored. So I went to a gas station instead.
Right now I'm going to eat at a KFC/Taco Bell combo restaurant. It's a fast food-fusion delicacy where south meets west!
Cya!

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Now playing: Reverend Horton Heat - Beer 30
via FoxyTunes