Today I saw an apple chilling on top of a vending machine.
My first instinct was to eat the apple, my mind told me, "Hey, look at that apple. I'd really like to eat one."
That thought was immediately squashed by the one that said, "Whoa! Who knows where that apple has been! It could also be laced with formaldehyde. You could die if you eat that!"
So, I did not eat the apple. I wish I did, though.
My brain immediately began to wonder if there had been a time where it was okay to eat random apples found in obscure locations.
I deduced that it was probably the time that grandparents talk about when they say, "It was a simpler time back then."
You know, when kids worked in coal mines, people would crap themselves if they took the ol' Model T over 15 miles per hour.
Then I thought about why we stopped eating randomly located fruit.
It was probably the time when assholes started sticking razor blades in apples, and gave them to children on Halloween.
Then I thought, "Who the fuck would give out an apple, let alone eat one, on Halloween?"
I than got a little hot under the collar.
One for the dickheads who gave me apples when I trick or treated as a kid, and two, for the assholes that ruined America's favorite snack with laced fruit and razor blades.
This is all true, except the part where I wrote apples were America's favorite snack.
