Remember that Movie With John Travolta?

John Travolta was in this movie where he had brain cancer that made him smart. He like invented a space ship out of a toilet. That's pretty smart, but I think I am also that F'ing smart.

Now, remember that movie with John Travolta, where he is bald and uncharacteristically bad ass? I think I am equally as (if not more) bad ass.

Here's proof:

Yeah, that just happened.

A Guide to Corporate Culture

Oh, hey. Long time no see. What's new with you? Me? Nothing much. I moved to the Midwest and got a corporate gig doing something totally awesome.

I guess I'm adjusting well, but I sure could use some tips on how to better get acclimated to a something corporate environment.

You happen to have such a guide!? Please let me glean some arcane knowledge from this tome of darkness! It's not a tome? Oh, it's an audio book called...

Hi, welcome to the last book you will ever need! This "survival" handbook will make you "leader of the pack" in little or no time at all! (Granted you can hide that DUI you got last weekend from your employer!)

Set down that latte and tighten your seatbelt. Your future awaits!

Lesson 1: No more dick jokes.

I know what you're thinking, "Hank, you HAVE got to be wanking me! My devil-may-care, shoot-from-the-hip style made me top dog in the local office!"

That may be true, but you're running with a new, more sophisticated pack!

Statistics show that 8 out of 10 layoffs and terminations are due to poor performance, 1 of the other 2 is attributed to death, and the other 1 is due to sexual harassment.

So next time you're about to say, "Hey y'all, I've got to go bleed the lizard." Instead say,"Please pardon my absence, I must drain the wastewater from my bladder."

Suave remarks like this will make you the toast of tinsel town!

Remember: An executive is 90% manners and 10% water!