Robocop 2010?

Director Darren Aronofsky is slated to direct a new Robocop movie.
This made me ponder.
Can a man of his artistic integrity take something like Robocop and mold it into something artistic?
I think there's really nothing he can do to make Robocop any less cliche...unless he remakes Bladerunner.
Maybe...
If he made Robocop the head of an orphanage for cyborg children, then that would be a more compelling story.
Oh well, if you're going to make a blockbuster, go big, go cliche and go all the way!
Here's Ten Tips for making the new Robocop movie awesome:
1) Make it Ultra-Violent. I want nothing less the 70 kills in the movie. If it's going to be better than Robocop 1 and 2, it better have more kills than both of them combined. If you want to redeem Robocop 3, make it 80 kills.
2) "Freeze, creep!" better make it into the script.
3) Don't do anything from Robocop 3. Not even jet packs!
4) "I'd by that for a dollar."
5) Don't change Robocop's Apple II programming.
6) Use the script of Johnny Mnemonic but replace Keanu Reaves with Robocop.
7) Don't have Officer Lewis be in the movie. She's the reason he got capped and she also sucks.
8) Have him team with a Johhny 5 or Rob Schneider.
9) Have that megalomaniac kid from Robocop 2 return as a cyborg.
10) Don't make Robocop time travel. That's ridiculous.

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Now playing: I Am Ghost - Pretty People Never Lie - Vampires Really Never Die
via FoxyTunes

Dear NBC...

...I fucking hate you.
How dare you cancel the most amazing TV show ever, My Own Worst Enemy? Before the release of the show, you were like, "Oooo...it's Christian Slater. He's got a split personality. Eeehh..he's twice the Christian Slater for the price of one!"
You know, I was a little skeptical at first.
But, God dammit NBC, you hooked me!
I watched 6 hours of that amazing hair, charm and charisma just for you to cancel it.
I fucking hate you.
Now, I am going to list some reasons why you are a moron, NBC.
Young Guns II, Interview with a Vampire, Kuffs, 3000 Miles to Graceland, Broken Arrow, Hard Rain, Heathers and, again, Kuffs.
Also, Untamed Heart (for my wife).
What? A list of movies is not reasons why you're a dumb asshole? Go watch those movies and get back to me when you're done. Hopefully you can un-cancel My Own Worst Enemy before it's too late.
Douche.
(PS Let's not mention Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. I refuse to mention Kevin Costner and Christian Slater in the same sentence. Oops! I just did)
(PPS You're also a dillhole for hyping The Office and then 20 minutes in, you're like, "Stay tuned for more Office!"
Then you pad the last six minutes of the show with car commercials and some out-of-context scene that's too shitty to make the final cut. How about I don't read Jim Halpert's blog, and you go fuck yourself.)
(PPPS Sorry for the crass language, but I'm deeply hurt.)
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Now playing: Good Riddance - Heresy, Hypocrisy, & Revenge
via FoxyTunes

Another Crap Story

Last year I posted a blog about the crapping habits of a company located on the same floor in my old office building.
Now it seems the shoe is on the other foot!
I currently work for a company that must crap 10 tons per capita!
Every time I go to the bathroom there is someone crapping. For the most part, they're always crapping in the handicap stall. There aren't any disabled persons that work in the building, but I still think crapping in the handicap stall is completely unacceptable! I think taking a crap in that stall is like telling everyone who's in a wheelchair to fuck off...nay...it's like telling a person in a wheelchair that needs to take a crap to fuck off.
My dearest apologies, m'lady, I do have a point to this story.

I was taking a leak today and some guy, who happened to be peeing next to me, commented on the cans of air freshener. I really don't mind talking to people I know while I'm peeing, but I really think it's weird to drum up small talk with a stranger whilst my hand is on my johnson.
Anyway, he said, "Whoa. I wonder why they brought air fresheners in here."
I replied, "It's probably because this place smells like crap."
He then said dumbfounded, "Whoa! Are you saying that all of your employees are full of shit?"
I said, while washing my hands, "No, I think it's because the bathroom smells like crap."
As I was exiting, he said something clever about crap again, but I wasn't really paying attention.
~Fin~

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Now playing: The Streets - The Escapist
via FoxyTunes

It's Been Awhile (Again)

I'm back for as long as my attention span and video game distractions allow me.
I'm going to work on finishing the last episode of G.O.S.H. (You remember, that ghost and the mannish girl that solve mysteries for drug money)
I'll keep you posted!

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Now playing: Alkaline Trio - This Could Be Love
via FoxyTunes

Psychic Kids...

Lately, I've been watching some unbelievably awful reality TV programs. Coincidentally, it started while I was in Loveland, CO and most of those shows are on A&E.
One of those shows is called "Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal."
The premise is that these children have paranormal abilities. Their abilities range from seeing ghosts to reading auras.
You would think that trying to determine if a child is a Schizophrenic or clairvoyant would be funny or interesting, but it isn't.
The show, however, taught me that if my house is possessed by a demon, I can just tell it to go away. That's pretty comforting.
The best thing that came from watching the show, is that I got an idea for a funny Photoshop.

Psychic Kids: Goats of the Paranormal

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Now playing: Youth Brigade - Believe In Something
via FoxyTunes

Sims 2 Fiasco

To Whom it May Concern,
My copy of the Sims 2 will not work on my desktop PC at home :(
It seems that my Super Ultra Gaming rig from 6 years ago is no longer "Super" or "Ultra."
Oh well, I guess I'm stuck playing as Roman Mike Bates for the rest of my Sims 1 days.

The Discombobulated Head of Mike W. Bates (Roman Style)

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Now playing: The Streets - Stay Positive
via FoxyTunes

CEO Income from Home!?!?!?!

As I was driving home from my non-CEO job, I saw a sign stuck in the dirt that told me I could make CEO income from home!
I got so excited, but that quickly faded.
At the bottom of the sign it said, "Don't believe, don't call."
So I didn't.

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Now playing: Bayside - Landing Feet First
via FoxyTunes

The Sims 2: Chronicles of Loveland, Conclusion

So, I'm back in Arizona, back to the heat.
It feels good to back and normal.
All in all it was a good trip. I thought that Colorado was beautiful and quiet and that the locals were a bit odd, but nice. I also thought that my hotel room smelled like a diaper.
I didn't go out and do anything when I wasn't working.
I wanted to go to that hotel from The Shining, but instead I played The Sims 2 and watched Cartoon Network.
I think that living vicariously in the virtual world was probably actually cooler than living in the real Loveland, CO. Especially when you are a virtual copy of body builder and Sardinian actor/director, Franco Columbu.
I'm going to get back to playing fake instruments, now. Cya later!
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Now playing: Panic! At The Disco - Northern Downpour
via FoxyTunes

Fire Alarm Deluxe: Chronicles of Loveland, Part 2

Nothing is so freaking cool than a fire alarm going off 6:15 a.m..
You know what's better?
Being naked in the shower when it happens.
At that time I made a conscious decision to risk death and smoke inhalation to exit the hotel wearing clothes. Good thing, cause it was a false alarm, and the hotel staff couldn't turn it off an hour. What a way to enjoy my free continental buffet!
It got better when I went out to lunch with my new manager and coworkers. We ate at awesome Mexican food place called Guadalara, in Windsor, CO.
I ordered a burrito called the Deluxe Burrito. It weighed about 7 pounds, had a lot of stuff on it, topped off with a tomato slice.
It was amazing...for about 30 minutes until it turned into a Deluxe BM. The BM weighed about 7 pounds too.
After work, I went searching for a grocery store, but couldn't find one and got bored. So I went to a gas station instead.
Right now I'm going to eat at a KFC/Taco Bell combo restaurant. It's a fast food-fusion delicacy where south meets west!
Cya!

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Now playing: Reverend Horton Heat - Beer 30
via FoxyTunes

Rollin' in the Rondo. Chronicles of Loveland, Vol. 1

Greetings from Loveland, Colorado! I'm here for a business trip and blogging from a hotel room.
My day started out pretty normal, but as soon as I landed in Colorado, it became a little weird.
I picked up my rental car at the Hertz location, which was located about 8 miles from the terminal. I got there by train and bus.
I had to wait in line for a while, when I got up to the counter, the lady asked me if I wanted an SUV. I was like, "No thanks, I'll take a Corrolla." She said that was fine, but then told me I could upgrade to a minivan for free. I told her no thanks again.
I signed my contract and went to the car. But doth my eyes deceive me?!?!

A Kia Rondo? A minivan?

I don't have anything against minivans, but I'd prefer a Corrolla 8 days out of the week.

I went back inside and asked for a Corrolla, but the manager told me a minivan is a mid-sized car...whatever.
As I drove to Loveland from Denver, I noticed that everybody drives like 20 miles per hour over the 75 MPH speed limit.
No big whup. But then there was a traffic accident and everybody stopped. Then people started crossing over the grass area dividing the highway to get to the frontage road!
I took a look around, and there is absolutely fucking nothing out here!
How could all these assholes be in such a hurry?
Anyway, I finally got on the stretch of highway leading to my work's offices.
This is where I was tailgated by a white minivan while going 90 MPH. It must have been some stockbroker traveling to get one last trade in before Wallstreet closed.
So, I got over, and as the minivan passed, a teenage kid sitting in the passenger seat flipped me off!
What the fuck? Was this douche jealous 'cause I was rollin' in a rondo made his ride looked busted?
Probably, but I have not been in Colorado long enough to know how Colorado-ins operate. However, my first observation is that they seem mostly retarded.
So what, went to work and did some stuff. Later, I saw a rabbit in the parking lot and a dead groundhog in the road.

Checked into my hotel room; it's handicapped accessible and has a huge bathroom. There's even a seat to bath oneself while sitting down in the shower.

Ahh...the price of luxury!

Also: notice the phone, I shall order caviar or pizza from room service, while I doth bath.
The night got better. I ate a steak, drank a giant margarita and bought a children's toothbrush and some shaving cream.

I couldn't imagine a better day! I'm going to play some The Sims 2 and go to bed. See you tomorrow!

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Now playing: A New Found Glory - Boulders
via FoxyTunes

Mike Bates Wrecked My Computer (But I Fixed It)

A few nights ago, I was recreating the brilliance of Mike Bates' face on the popular PC game, The Sims, when my computer completely fizzled out. It happened when I had just moved in "Roman Bates" and "German Hat Wearing Bates" into their new home.

This unforeseen turn of events puzzled and startled me. I couldn't really sleep because a question kept repeating in my brain...

Was it Mike Bates being introduced into The Matrix that caused my computer to take a crap?
Or was it because I was running Photoshop, The Sims, iTtunes and the Internet all at the same time (which is a daily occurrence). Did that drain my power supply?

Maybe...

I honestly believe it was because I introduced Bates to The Matrix, but I was going to cover my bases and get a new 650-watt power supply also.

After six hours of plugging things in to the wrong slots, accidentally cracking a hard drive cable and damaging my motherboard a little bit, I finally fixed my computer. Yay!

Remember: Blogging about Bates takes the power a dwarf star, plan accordingly!

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Now playing: Totally Radd!! - Cold Moolight
via FoxyTunes

Cat Week '08: The Conclusion!

You may have noticed that Cat Week '08 didn't have any content on Thursday through Saturday. This is because I take vacation during cat week.
I know Cat Week '08 is a big priority/responsibility, but sometimes in life, you go camping when you should be taking hilarious footage of cats.
I'm going to chalk this one up to fate.
A message from our sponsors will officially close Cat Week '08.

Cat Week Concludes!

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Now playing: Bayside - Thankfully
via FoxyTunes

Cat Week '08 Continues: Baghera

Today's Cat Week Featurette showcases the wonderful talents of Little Brother, also known as, Baghera, Baggy, Dumpy Dawdler, Prince Daffodil, McLovin, Mr Sexy, Dreamy Eyes or The Patrick Dempsey of Cats.

Cat Eating Ice Cream
Baghera really likes eating ice cream. Actually, he likes eating or drinking anything that milk- or soy milk-based!

Cat Eating Ice Cream

Cat Drinking out of Toilet
Even though he has fresh water, this silly beast loves to drink out of the toilet! What a Ka-razy kat!

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Now playing: Jack Johnson - It's All Understood
via FoxyTunes

Cat Week '08 Continues!

Kissing Cats
An art house movie that delves into the inner working of a domesti-cat's (domesticated cat) pride. Gay love and jealousy makes this the must-see movie of 2003!

Kissing Cats

Cat Afraid of Mouse
Morris is the largest cat of the house, but he is the biggest wimp. Watch him as he flees a toy mouse in terror! (Warning! Pregnant women may spontaneously give birth if they watch this)

Cat Afraid of Mouse

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Now playing: Head Automatica - Dance Party Plus
via FoxyTunes

Cat Week! (Brought to You by Spicy Shrimp Roll)

http://blogspot.genericdave.com is proud to present:

This year's Cat Week is sponsored by a Spicy Shrimp Roll I just ate.
You may ask, What is the goal of Cat Week?
The goal is to humor myself with ridiculous videos and pictures of cats.
It is a daunting task, but we can make it happen!
Remember, I can't spell S_CCESS, without U!

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Now playing: Daphne Loves Derby - Sun
via FoxyTunes

Traffic School Highlights

I went to traffic school yesterday. It was probably one of the greatest days of my life.
There's nothing I like to do more then hear teenagers, idiots and traffic school teachers debate Arizona traffic statutes.
Actually, do you know what's even better than that?
Idiots and teenagers asking traffic school teachers questions about how traffic laws apply in hypothetical, near impossible, situations!
My favorite crazy scenario of the day occurred about half-hour during the discussion of DUI laws. Here's how it went:
Some lady asked, "Say you're driving drunk and you realize your too drunk to drive so you pull over to sleep. Can you get arrested for DUI?" This of course was followed by how this is just hypothetical, and the lady said she never drives drunk.
Teacher said, "Yes." Followed by a long-winded explanation of something I wasn't paying attention to.
The lady then said something about putting her keys in the glove box.
The teacher then said something about something.
The lady said something.
Then the teacher said if you lock your keys in the trunk, than you can sleep in your car wasted and not get arrested.
I'm sure I will use this bit of knowledge about 7,032 times in my life.
There were some other ridiculous hypothetical scenarios thrown out there too, but I already replaced those memories with some thoughts about Jackie Chan's movie, First Strike.

Not all is for naught. I have made some hilarious art from that day. Here you go!

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Now playing: Finch - Untitled
via FoxyTunes

My Angry Brother (Holding Baby)

I have created a new MagnaDoodle masterpiece of my brother Sean holding his baby daughter.

My Angry Brother (Holding Baby), MagnaDoodle, 2008

This wonderful art is a follow up to lasts year's smash hit, My Brother (He's Angry Most Times)


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Now playing: Saves The Day - Delusional
via FoxyTunes

Curried Carrots?!?!

When I want high-priced mediocre food, I usually go to my company's cafeteria. The funny thing about the cafeteria, is it has these little advertisements on the tables for some spectacular looking food.
It says something like, "It's your body, your choice! Eat healthy and wear a swimsuit this summer!"
Than it shows pictures of some awesome food like, herb-encrusted shark fin sandwich, spinach and mango tartlet or baby string bean and veal combo.
Just when I get excited to wear a swimsuit and eat awesome food, there's a little disclaimer at the bottom that says "Listed meals may not be available at all locations."
FYI: those awesome meals are never available at my location :(
The only thing that I got to eat was this...

Curry Carrot Soup
(It wasn't really that good...)

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Now playing: Alkaline Trio - Queen Of Pain
via FoxyTunes

What Would Otmar! Do? (WWO!D)

Dear Friends,
I'm writing to tell you about how wonderful your life can be when you let Otmar! into your heart.
You see, he is a fluffy white dog with an indomitable spirit.
Nothing (I mean nothing) can keep Otmar! down.
Having a shitty day at work? What would Otmar! do?
Well, if he was thirsty, he'd probably drink some water out of a bowl.
If you threw a ball, he'd probably chase after it...uh...he probably wouldn't bring it back to you, but that's what Otmar! would do anyway.
Relationship trouble? What would Otmar! do?
Otmar! would probably bark at the neighborhood cat that's perched on the wall for like 15 minutes.

Also, if Otmar! hadn't blogged in awhile, he'd probably return with an irreverent post about a dog named Otmar!

Welcome back readers! (If you're still there!)

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Now playing: A New Found Glory - Boulders
via FoxyTunes

Movies About Mars Movie Guide

I remember a time in the late 90's that felt like every movie made was about the planet Mars. I know how hard it is to decide which movie about Mars is perfect for you, so, I decided to write a movie guide to help people choose wisely.
Here it goes:
That movie starring Val Kilmer, Trinity from the Matrix and Tom Sizemore: Their main mission to cultivate Mars because the Earth is dying, but Sizemore's mission is to cultivate Trinity. Wink, wink ;). Once I created a martini called "The Sizemore." It was a regular gin martini, but it had sherbet in it.
That movie starring Ice Cube: I remember that there were ghosts, Ice Cube, a train and a chick. I don't remember much else, but I do know that Ice Cube kicks ass!
That one movie with Gary Sinese: I think this one was about some super storm that defends Mars' public library or something. I always used to confuse Michael Keaton with Gary Sinese, weird, huh?
That one movie with the Bayer Aspirin guy: I'm not sure if this one takes place on Mars, but I do know it may have happened in space close to Mars. The plot is quite simple, the Bayer Aspirin guy goes crazy in space and removes the skin of some other guy. Feel-good comedy of the summer.
Wayne's World 2: Starring Christopher Walken. A must watch for sci-fi fans!
The greatest Mars movie of all time - Total Recall: It had great lines, such as, "MM..MM.MMM...Makes me wish I had three hands!" - "Hey Quaid, I'm going to drill you sucka!" -"See you at the party, Richter"



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Now playing: Paramore - Misery Business
via FoxyTunes

What I'm Thinking About...

I'm thinking about making a buddy cop movie starring Frankie Muniz and Michael Cera.
Actually, now that I think about, I really want to remake 2003's smash comedy hit National Security (Starring Cera and Muniz, instead of Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn)
I don't know where I come up with these ideas, but if I acted on this, I would be a millionaire!

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Now playing: Thursday - Running from the Rain
via FoxyTunes

Tamale TV

I hope to launch a new Internet television station this summer.
I haven't really hashed out what I want to put on the station, but I think I would like to offer wall-to-wall, 24-hour coverage of tamales. I think that "The Net" will be a great place to find that niche market I'm looking for.
Tamale TV

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Did you expect it to make sense?

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Now playing: Billy Talent - The navy song
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Guess What? I Kick Ass

I have a new found love for another dancing game! This one is called Pump It Up!
I just bought it yesterday and I am already tearing it up on the global scale.
See this?

I rank in the U.S. 561 out of 608 and I rank 1,191 out of 1,267 in the world.
Impressed? You should be. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some dancing to do.
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Now playing: NOFX - Linoleum
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Sorry :(

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in a long time. Sometimes I go off on tangents and it's hard for me to get back on task.
This time I got addicted to insurance, but now I'm less obsessed. My hours are changing at work, so I'll be able to dedicate more time to irreverent things like Paper Mario.
It wont be a rapid return. I'll ease my way back into regularly posting by writing a lot about my cats. Then I will finish G.O.S.H.
Before I go, Heath Ledger R.I.P.


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Now playing: Saves The Day - Delusional
via FoxyTunes