Awkward! (With funny David Cross inflection) (Originally posted 12-13-06)

Ummm...I'm thinking of awkward things, or things that make me feel really awkward.
For one, hearing people having personal conversations in public is quite Awkard!
It's not really a pet peeve, because it doesn't really upset me, but it does make my brain hurt.
It kind of reminds me of in the movie Johnny Mnemonic, when Keanu uploads the cure for "the clap" into his brain. Yeah, it's an insane amount of info, like 320 Gb (roughly the size of the library of congress). The only way he can keep his mind sane is by doing Tai Chi in a bathroom.
When hearing someone talking on a phone extremely loud, about something extremely personal (usually a DUI, child custody), I bleed from my nose and go do Tai Chi in a bathroom.
I then go on a rant about how I want room service and a hot towel. Then a couple of Ice T's friends accidentally almost drop a car on me from a burnt out bridge.
Then Henry Rollins shows up and gets killed by a guy called the Street Preacher.
Awkward!

Checks made out of chocolate...

I received a telemarketing call from India tonight at 9:30 p.m. Not only are telemarketers annoying when they're from the U.S.A., they're 100 times more annoying when they don't speak your language, let alone understand it.
Re-enactment:
Me: Hello
Kathy (This is probably her real name too): Ahh yes, hello, may I please speak with Dahvid or Stawcee (that how she pronounced it)
Me: What's this regarding?
Kathy: Do you have a mortgage on your home?
Me: no.
Kathy: You don't have a mortgage on your home?
Me: No, I live in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, drawn by golden steeds in golden showers.
Kathy: what?
Me: I also don't have any money, I pay for everything in Monopoly money and I write checks made out of chocolate.
Kathy: chocolate?
Me: Yes, Chocolate, I write checks made out of chocolate!
Kathy: hmmsafma
(English-accent dude picks up)
ED: Ah yes Mrs. Wylie...
Me: Mr. Wylie
ED: My sales associate Kathy tells me you do not have a mortgage...
Me: That's right, I live in the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and I write checks made out of chocolate.
ED: Ah yes sir, you have a good week now.
Me: Click!
Ohh, those bastards! I dare em to call me back!

Stephen King? Times 3?!?

In my office building, lurks Stephen king. Not just one Stephen King, but THREE!!! Count 'em THREEE! It really freaks me out when I see one of the Steph (Steve) clones, but today I rode in the elevator with all THREE! I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I mean, I was standing there with Stephen King to the third power. The very man who haunted many of my childhood dreams with movies like Creepshow, The Shining and It.
But the weird thing about Steve3 is that all of them represent a a different Steph (Steve). There's a young one, a middle aged one and an old one.
Young one looks like the Steph (Steve) from that one John Carpenter movie, where he made a cameo (Kameo, Elements of Power)
The MA one looks about the time about the movie The Stand.
And TO one look like Steph (Steve) now.
Creepy.
Creepier then Leslie Neilsen in Creepshow and all those infomercials that advertised The Stand at 3 a.m. in th morining during the 80s/90s: COMBINED!

A True Story of Friendship!

So I was reading yahoo news today, and I saw a true story of friendship. A rat snake and a hamster have been friends since October, living in a cardboard box cage in a Tokyo zoo.
The hamster was originally fed to the snake (who is a finicky eater) when it refused to eat frozen mice.

Re-enactment:
Zoo Keeper: Come on snake! Eat your food! You want to grow up like your daddy and be strong, right?
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you let the airplane land in the hangar? Vrrrooom!
(Zoo Keeper makes airplane motions with the frozen mice-cicle)
Rat Snake: uh..uh (nods head "no")
Zoo Keeper: Would you like something fresh?
Rat Snake Uh..HUH! (Shakes head yes)
(The zoo keeper then feeds the hamster to the snake, the snake falls in love with hamster)
Rat Snake: (to hamster) My mind...is telling me no! But my body, my body is telllling me yess!!!
(Hamster eats a sunflower seed)
Fin

Do you know what this means!?! Rats love to eat hamsters, hamsters don't like snakes because they eat rodents. These two individual animals have totally crossed the species barrier, paving way for future relations.
Pretty soon, snake riding hamsters will take over the world!
But on a soft note...nothing is more cute when a hamster sleeps on a snake.

Breaking News!

I just had band practice, and the drummer of my band told be some breaking news.
He created a song, Jimi, for a music class, which his group IDentity Crisis (http://www.myspace.com/sumatymeandctx) performs. He samples Jimi Hendrix and he raps over it. The song sounds great, but I guess from what he told me, the peeps in his class said that he edited his voice by speeding it up to match the song. He didn't cheat, I'll re-enact the story.
At some community college in Glendale...
Teacher: James your song.
(James plays song for class.)
Hater 1: You can't rap that fast.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 2: No you can't.
James: Yes I can.
Hater 1 & 2: PROVE IT!
(James proceeds to rap through the song, incinerating all who shall hate!)
Micro Machines Guy: holymackeral,icantevenspeakthatfast.collectall152!
(Denoument)
James made history that day, rapping faster than the Micro Machine Guy. Later he went on to the fastest rap competition, and won gold prize.
THE END!

All Creepiness Aside...

Ok, I think I'm ready to post. My first topic - "Beer Truck Delivering Beer to Construction Site."
Today, from the 8th floor of a skyscraper, I saw a Miller Lite Truck parked at this construction site. I took a look at it, and screamed at the little dudes working down there,
"You can't drink on the job."
"Yes we can," they said.
"No you can't," I retorted.
Then a girl walked by wearing a mini-skirt, and like typical construction dudes, they started cat-calling her. That was the end of the conversation.
To this day the mystery of the Miller Lite Truck is still unsolved, but late at night, somewhere in downtown Phoenix, you can hear the sound of a truck, delivering beer to construction dudes.

Does anyone read this?

Umm...let me think...everyone in the world has a blog. The only reason I can think of having one, is that everyone I know has one. The reasons to not have a blog - too many to count. But screw it, here it is. I don't know, there's something creepy about a blog, like if something would happen to you, and then people would read it, and be like, "That dude was weird."
Anyway, maybe like three people will read this.
Baby Niece (i before e except after c) countdown: 1 day!