Ok, Focus! (One Last Post Before Bed)

Tomorrow I must work on the second episode of G.O.S.H.
So let's get these silly thoughts out of my head before I start:

I've renamed my cat Morris...

Hall and Oates

Thought of this hilarious cliché clip art while at dinner.

(Note: This is actual clip art from that CD! I just added the text)

Also, I can't stop thinking about that part in The Matrix, where that guy is about to program Keanu's brain with Kung Fu, he said something like, "Morpheus wanted me to start you with some protocol programs, but that's major boring shit!"

Bonus Blog!
I found a funny Windows XP shortcut. If you hold down the windows key on your keyboard and hit u, a robot will begin speaking to you.
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Now playing: Saves the Day - Freakish
via FoxyTunes

The Result of 1 Million Beers

Man, I am tired.
Sorry for no funny clip arts. I'm going to take a nap before I have to host karaoke.
Great news, though. I spoke with Mike Bates (MWB) and he will respect the outcome of the MWB Poll. Things are looking good for for MySpace, but things are not looking good for Bates' voyeurism.
Also, I'll be working on G.O.S.H. Ep. 2 tomorrow. It should be done this weekend.
G'night Mate!
Btw Vampirism Rules!
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Now playing: A New Found Glory - It's Not Your Fault
via FoxyTunes

One Last Post Before Bed

The Santa Clause Kids Ain't Nuthin to F**k with!

A Couple Obsessions I Can't Shake

Lately, I've been obsessed with two things I'm not normally obsessed with.
1) I can't stop listening to Fall Out Boy, or singing their songs at karaoke.
2) I wish I was a teenage vampire (Or Alex Winter from Lost Boys)

Maybe part of me wants to live forever, but at the same time bitch about being immortal with clever metaphors and similes.
If I were to start a bodacious vamp band, I think my first single would be, "My Life Sucks (Literally)"
Hmm...quite a dilemma I face, I'm unsure if I can handle it.

(Note: Here are a few things I'm normally obsessed with: Dance Dance Revolution, pizza, zombies, video games, blogging, boobs, curry chicken, karaoke)
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Now playing: NOFX - Decom-poseur
via FoxyTunes

My Brother (He's Angry Most Times)

I did this drawing on a MagnaDoodle to commemorate my brother's anger.

(Note: The text at the bottom says "Billabong shirt")

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Now playing: Youth Brigade - Breakdown
via FoxyTunes

Very Important Delivery

Great news, I received an ID number to win $2.1 million from my good friend Pat Haines at TV Guide! The only catch is I'm not supposed to fold it.

Well...

FUCK YOU PAT HAINES!

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Now playing: Silverstein - Already Dead

via FoxyTunes

A Little Bit of Inspiration

Tango & Cash is the greatest movie ever made.
There is this one part where Kurt Russell slides on the ground and punches this guy in the balls. It's pure cinematic genius!
Also, there's a mini van that's decked out with turbo boosters, and chain guns; it's pretty awesome. I also love the jokes where they compare their dicks to firearms.
If I ever feel like I can't achieve my dreams, I only need to watch this movie.
For Pete's sake, they escaped from prison by sliding on an electric wire with a belt!
Anything is possible my friends, anything!
(PS I'm now watching Commando, Let off some steam!)

The Baby Insurrection

Tell your friends to join my army of babies!

Or you can play a trick on someone and set this as their desktop.

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Now playing: Against Me! - Pretty Girls (The Mover)
via FoxyTunes

Finally! The First Episode of G.O.S.H.

Here it is everyone. Tthe first episode of the crime drama that will make CSI look stupid.
I made it with that clip art CD I bought, windows movie maker and a DDR Music Sampler from a Burger King Kidz meal.
Ghost of Sherlock Holmes (G.O.S.H.) Ep. 101: Prologue

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Enjoy!


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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - The Take Over, The Break's Over
via FoxyTunes

Can't Sleep, Too Much Clip Art

I'm really trying to find some clip art so I can work on some Ghost of Sherlock Holmes (G.O.S.H.) comics, but I keep stumbling across some of the most amazing pictures. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I'm listening to a Dance Dance Revolution Music Sampler CD my niece got from a Burger King Kidz Meal.
Fueled by techno and insomnia, here are my latest creations...

Couple With Baby Stroller

(a.k.a. You Wanna Push the F***ing Stroller?)

This Guy's Bad Ass
(a.k.a. Rock 'N Roll Squash School Forever)

Jamie Lee Curtis Look-A-Like From True Lies Getting Hit With A Racquet
(a.k.a No, I Don't Think You Can Dance)

RoboCop 1933
(a.k.a. The Future of Law Enforcement, From the Past)

Wow, I successfully did not find anything for G.O.S.H., but at least I'm sleepy enough to go to bed.

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Now playing: The Matches - Scratched Out
via FoxyTunes

Secret Spy Baby Movie

I want to flex my movie making skills with the $10 clip art CD. I think you all will find this movie almost as, if not more, engrossing than the Bourne Trilogy combined.
Secret Spy Baby

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Now playing: Reel Big Fish - Beer
via FoxyTunes

Stickers

Check out this new sticker I made. If you have sticker paper, you can print out this picture and stick it to things. I plan on sticking up in every bathroom I see.

Flaming Cat '07
(a.k.a. Burn, Phoenix, Burn)

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Now playing: Rise Against - The Approaching Curve
via FoxyTunes

The Haunted Birthday Partay '07

This one is a stretch, but I think it's pretty good. These clip art people all face a weird way. My favorite so far is Mini-Football Player.

The Haunted Birthday Partay '07

(a.k.a. Ghostman's Hunt f/ Mini Footballer '07)

(Note: click on the picture if you have trouble reading the text.)

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Now playing: Jimmy Eat World - 23
via FoxyTunes

Amazing Clip Art CD (Manuel Creation '07)

I just bought 10,000 of the greatest clip art images ever created for only $10! That's 1,000 images per dollar! Most people wouldn't waste their money on budget clip art, but these people do not know how to unlock the CD's magical potential. (I do)
Below is my first "$10 Clip Art Mashup Masterpiece." I call it Manuel Creation.

Manuel Creation '07

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Now playing: Something Corporate - Good News
via FoxyTunes

The Mike Bates/Howard Johnson Connection

Mike Bates Looks exactly like this DonRuss baseball card of Howard Johnson (HoJo).
For your information, Mike Bates is the greatest man on the planet! If you don't know, you better ask somebody.
(I'm still blogging from San Diego, will return tomorrow!)

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Now playing: Dance Dance Revolution - dj TAKA - Colors (Midihead's Sapphire mix)
via FoxyTunes
(Note: I updated this blog on 9-1-07, with a new side-by-side comparison of Hojo and M.W.B.)

From FunTown, San Diego

The FunTown Chronicles

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From San Diego

Poison Clothes?!?

According to Financial Times.com, China may have been exporting poison clothes to New Zealand.
I could only imagine how this was discovered...


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Now playing: The Shins - Girl On the Wing
via FoxyTunes

Richard Baldwin Update

I've got an update from R.B. himself! Good news for all of you Rich-a-Holics.

It has been an exciting week in the personal and professional life of Richard Baldwin:

Richard is leading the Western Region in the “Let’s get a jump on Labor Day” Sales Contest. He is once again on track for his weekly $25 bonus and the overall prize of up to an additional $200!!!!!

He and his wife had a constructive, yet enjoyable weekend as they took several hours to clean their condo. He cleaned out their refrigerator after several months of left-over “pile up” as a result of many nights of “take out.” He then stumbled upon some old asparagus in the rear of his refrigerator which had started collecting mold, unfortunate, because it would have gone perfectly with the grilled chicken he was planning for dinner! There was also an open can of Alpo and a Tupperware dish full of plain cooked macaroni noodles.

GenericDave.com is your #1 source of all news that is Richard Baldwin.

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Now playing: Rise Against - The Good Left Undone
via FoxyTunes

Something Funny I Found

This picture was listed on My Yahoo! page.

Something about it reminds me of Mike Bates in the digital age.

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Now playing: Stavely Makepeace - Slippery Rock 70's
via FoxyTunes

Lightning Bird?

Here is another radical grandpa hand-carved knickknack we got.
A yellow canary...

...or is it...

Lightning Bird '07 (a.k.a Lord Zeffa's Return '07)

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Now playing: Rise Against - Prayer Of The Refugee (acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

Electronic Organ

When Stacie and I picked up the hand-carved Gordon's Fisherman, we also picked up the most dudical electronic organ ever!
Here it is!

Notice how it has many switches, pedals, and a cassette deck. Did I mention one of the pedals controls the volume? Jealous? You will be once you see...

...that it has all of the most popular beats of the future. Feel like waltzing? It's now at the touch of a turquoise button.
I'll post a video later to show how awesome it sounds. Pictures cannot describe what amazing tones can be plunked out of this. An example, if you wanted to recreate the soundtrack to Megaman II, you could use this instrument to faithfully recreate it.
You wouldn't even need a pesky computer!

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Now playing: Weezer - Pink Triangle
via FoxyTunes

Gordon's Samurai Fisherman

Stacie's Granny gave us a whole bunch of awesome knick-knacks this weekend.
I would now like to share with you one of the world's greatest treasures...

Gordon's Samurai Fisherman, 2007

Burning Riot, 2007 (Forest Fire/Fisherman Remix)


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Now playing: Anti-Flag - Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.)
via FoxyTunes

A Look Back at Staples (The Robot Wars of 2005)

Here's a look back when I was working at the Staples Copy Center. They kept telling me I had to do like a million things, and so I put together a proposal that robots should work in the copy center instead of me. They didn't hire any robots, and I eventually left to intern at a newspaper.
But here are the never before published scenes from "The Robot Wars 2005!"

This one's called "Optimal Effeciency (Even Robots Occasionally Bitch)"


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Now playing: The Figgs - Village Green
via FoxyTunes

Cloud of Death Concept Art

Here is another concept I want you to wrap your head around.

It's called "Cloud of Death." The cloud's origins are unknown, it's also unknown how it acquired so many cartoon-type bombs.
This amazing concept came up during a meeting or something. I think it's pretty intense. A cloud can go anywhere, there's nowhere to hide. Especially when it can fire like four arrows at one time.

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Now playing: Youth Brigade - I Hate My Life
via FoxyTunes

Spanish Book Sample

I'm trying to figure out the best way to make this available online. In the mean time, here is a sample of the Spanish Book.
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Now playing: Something Corporate - Hurricane
via FoxyTunes

4H Clubb Concept Art

I just dug up this year-old concept art I came up with when Stacie, Katie, Jeff and I were on the most unstoppable bowling team.
The team!

The 4H Clubb stands for the 4 Heroes Clubb.
Adult Legs-She is a 12-year old girl who has the legs of an adult woman. Her special ability is that she can run faster than most 12-year olds. Oh yeah, her feet are like canoes too. She can ski across water.
MBI 2026-is a government project from the '70s. He is addicted to government-grown drugs. His special ability is complaining about things, and being lazy.
The Hammer-He has hammers for hands and a shiny head that can deflect bullets. He has excellent smashing abilities.
Jeff the Cat-Jeff the Cat is incredibly cute. His special abilities include climbing trees, catching rodents and bugs, and eating food. His tail becomes fluffy when he senses danger.
Sr. Brain-An Apple II imbued with ancient alien AI. He can reason through the most difficult of Sudoku puzzles. He also as 14.4kb fax/modem.

Some more concept art


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Now playing: Shiny Toy Guns - You Are The One
via FoxyTunes

Ninja Babies Concept Art

Here's another comic book I'm looking to get financed (My estimated budget is about $6,000,000,000,000). It's called "Ninja Babies." It's about this guy who works at bowling alley. The guy discovers these alien baby clones. He think they're just babies, but really they're super bad ass intergalactic assassins!

Okay, super rich dudes, get those check books ready!

The Logo


Concept Art


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Now playing: The Bouncing Souls - For All the Unheard
via FoxyTunes

Oswald or Akuma

I'm thinking of changing the name of my cat Oswald to Akuma.

It's inspired by the Street Fighter character of the same name. He kind of reminds me of Akuma, the evil version of Ryu.

Life Imitates Art

Look at this picture of my world-famous wife and the king of the jungle Morris.

It looks a lot like this Michelangelo piece, eh?


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Now playing: Rancid - Journey To The End Of The East Bay
via FoxyTunes

Little Buddha (a.k.a. On the Wings of a Valkyrie '07)

When I think of Khagendra Thapa Magar, my heart soars to the danger zone!


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Now playing: Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
via FoxyTunes

Little Buddha (a.k.a. Fire's Ignited Passion '07)

Another tribute to Khagendra Thapa Magar, my favorite person on the planet.


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Now playing: Against Me! - Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners
via FoxyTunes

Little Buddha (a.k.a. Inspiration '07)

Khagendra Thapa Magar claims to be world's shortest boy. Guinness Record Book does not have a record for world's shortest boy. He'll have to wait until he's 19 to be measured. Even though some may doubt his claim, there is not doubt he is the world's cutest Buddhist. If you google image search his name, you will come a across a picture of him standing among the clouds praying. The picture below is a dedication to him.

The background photo was taken by Andrew D. Somerville, a.k.a Smoreville, S-Clubb, SportPup.

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Now playing: Alkaline Trio - Back To Hell
via FoxyTunes

A Godly Combination

Finally, our prayers have been answered! A game company is making a Christian-based karaoke game. It's about time somebody combined my love for God with my passion for singing.
Yyou could probably guess that when I'm hosting karaoke, about a 1,000,000 people tell me to purchase hymnal songs. I also get about 5,000 requests nightly for Jars of Clay and DC Talk's "Jesus Freak."

I'd prefer to keep my Christian singer as straight-laced as possible. No zany ties for me! I prefer the missionary look. By the way, I didn't Photoshop that picture.
The image is from http://www.cloud9games.com/Heavenly%20Harmony.htm.

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Now playing: Thursday - Jet Black New Year (Single Version)
via FoxyTunes

Something Weird Happened...

I was flipping through the channels on Sunday and I saw a movie called "Chain Reaction" (I immediately thought it was going to be awesome). When I changed the channel, I felt disappointment instead of jubilation. Instead of awesome, I saw Keanu Reeves invent some laser-beam-water-power thing while Morgan Freeman chomped a cigar.

I guess somewhere in my brain I thought I was about to watch "Chill Factor" starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
What a weird mistake to make!

I also watched Reindeer Games starring Ben Afleck this weekend. I didn't mistakenly watch it, but...it was a mistake to watch it.

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Now playing: I Am The Avalanche - New Disaster
via FoxyTunes

They Hunger for Living Flesh!

This is a photo of when President Bush went to visit zombie victims.


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Now playing: Strike Anywhere - Blaze

New Graphic Novel Concept

I'm looking for someone to greenlight this graphic novel concept I've come up with.
It's totally a remix of something that's been popular for like 2,000 years: Sherlock Holmes.
The 21st Century twist is that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's protagonist is now a phantasmal spirit (a ghost).
I'm kind of pitching it as a cyberpunk, noir, post-apocalyptic mash-up with some New Orleans Zydeco flavor.
Here is the concept art:
Version 1.0


Version 2.0
The estimated project budget is $3 billion. Cashier's check accepted.
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Now playing: Brand New - Okay I Believe You, but My Tommy Gun Don't
posted with FoxyTunes

Jawesome Photoshopping I Did

Title: Requiem Du Vampire Kid, 2007


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Now playing: Rise Against - Voices Off Camera
posted with FoxyTunes

The Recall of 1,000,000 Toys (A.K.A. The Rise of the Robots)

Look, I was eating lead-painted toys for a good part of my life. Totally did not mess me up, just read this blog.
Robots are the ones who paint toys now, didn't you know? We told them in 1985 not to use lead paint. Looks like they did not get the memo.
What I think is pretty weird about the whole thing, is normally when toys get recalled, they're pretty much shitty toys that no one bought to begin with. Kind of like an 8-legged, playpen-bouncy-chair-hybrid.
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Now playing: The Format - If Work Permits
posted with FoxyTunes

Steak Salad

Steak Salad was the number 7 most searched term on Yahoo today.
Unfortunately, "Leukemia Symptoms" and the ever popular "Jenna Elfman" (from t.v.'s Dharma and Greg) defeated America's favorite son, Steak Salad.
Stay tuned to some more awesome things that people don't really search for. Web robots actually do the searching so you think things are popular. Robots are extremely jealous of human taste buds and this usually results in a favorite food dish, i.e. Macaroni & Cheeze, making the list of top searched terms. You can command a robot to continually search for Jenna Elfman, but every 100th search or so, it will search for "pizza" or "surf n turf" instead.
Why would I believe something like that?
The day in reality where Jenna Elfman is more popular than a steak salad, the internet will explode.
On a high note, Steak Salad defeated Birthday Ecards.

From www.yahoo.com, Aug. 1, 2007.

Finally! News That Makes Sense.

According to an AP story, a Christian group is looking to distribute bibles with Sunday newspapers throughout the Bible Belt.
I am glad that they are doing this. I once read in an e-mail forward, that the reason why tragedies happen to America, is because we have a separation of church and state. This will put us back in God's good graces.
Some people are upset and offended by this move. There was a quote in the story refering to the bibles being like free quaker oatmeals or AOL discs. I don't know about you all, but I'd prefer to have as many bibles as I do of "50 Free Hours of AOL" discs. I could challenge myself and read as many bibles as I can. I'd be the new world record holder.
I want to take this movement to the next level by including bibles with the Coupon Clipper mailings.
Or maybe free bible with an king-size at Burger King? Food for your stomach AND SOUL!
I am a marketing genius!

Forgot About This Awesome Thing I Got

Sorry, I forgot to tell you about this awesome thing I bought at Marshall's for $10.

I call this piece of art "A Boy Being Kissed by Fish, While Boy is Hugging Fish."
Can you believe this little guy was on clearance? I can only imagine at full price this thing must have cost about $3,000.
Actually, It kind of reminds me of something a movie villain would use to smuggle heroin or diamonds.
It would be a perfect cover, who would assume this little guy could be used for such foul things?
Then a kid, preferably the kid from Home Alone 3, would accidentally take one, and the villain would chase after him. But then, the kid would tie a paint can to a rope and hit the guy in the crotch.
Case Closed!
We can call the movie, Home Alone: Live Free or Be Alone Hard!

Karaoke Contest

I'm the host of a karaoke contest on Saturday nights at Chuy's (East of McClintock on Baseline Road, Tempe, AZ)
Karaoke starts at 9 p.m. and goes 'till 1 a.m. The contest will start at 11 or so.
Details can be found here: www.azkaraokealliance.com
(Please note the karaoke alliance is nothing like the Alliance from World of Warcraft)

Funny Movies

I made some funny movies and put them on my myspace page.
You can check them out here.

Totally Forgot! I Love Wombats!

I just read a story at Yahoo! about the discovery of a giant wombat fossil. Then I realized that I totally love wombats! I think the reason why I like them so much, is because the remind me of giant hamsters.
Their cuteness is comparable to a hamster, but I believe they are more voracious then their smaller counterparts. I hear they have incredibly sharp teeth that are world-famous for chomping sandwiches and fingers.
This is my favorite picture of a wombat.
That person is like, "Whoa there little fella! You've got to conquer the bunny slope before you take on K-5!"

Barbaric! (Young Celeb Outreach Ministry)

I really hope somebody does something about young celebrities and their inappropriate behavior. How the f*#k am I supposed to get on with my life when I'm too busy worrying about Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton? Do you even know that Paris Hilton, is in fact, not from Paris?!?
I really need to start a nonprofit organization to really reach out and help these unwanted outcasts. I really think I could create an environment that they could mature and grow in. It really breaks my heart to see these affluent, innocent, children self destruct.
We need to be agents of change!
I suggest we petition all of our news media to focus more on these important issues.
Please join me, we have future generations to consider!

Thank F*$^ing G*d! Easy Bake Oven's 40-Year Reign of Blood and Terror is OVER!

According to a story from Yahoo! The Easy Bake Oven has been recalled for the second time...THIS YEAR! According to the news story, there were 249 complaints of kids sticking their hands inside the oven and burning their fingers. The oven has been around for 40 years, who knows how many countless lives the Pandora's Box of Pure Evil has taken since then. It must be in the millions.
Wow.
A few observations.
1) Kids don't ever stick fingers where they don't belong
2) Ovens do not become hot while baking
3) With careful parenting, it is possible to prevent a person from burning oneself throughout their entire life.

You must be curious where I picked up this line of rational thinking. Hmmm...It was probably from about 249 parents who bought their children an easy bake oven.

Celebrities

My wife never knows the lyrics to really popular songs. A lot of people also do this, but the funny thing is sometimes she doesn't know lyrics when the title of the song is the lyrics. For example, Oasis' "Don't Look Back in Anger." She didn't know those lyrics.
I have the same affliction, only it's for celebrities.
I could totally walk by Mark Linn-Baker from "Perfect Strangers" and not even know it was him! Bronson Pinchot is a different story though, I could spot him from a mile away.
Remember that funkstatic fact that people unknowingly eat about 1,000,000 spiders in their lifetime?
Well, I walk by like 50 celebrities a week, and not even notice them.

Don't walk by in mmffamgd. (Don't look back in anger)

Belated Blogs?!?

One time Tom Cruise went on this show with Matt Lauer. He called Matt "glib" and also told him that he did not know the history of psychiatry. Tom Cruise knows psychiatry!
Stupid Matt Lauer, he probably likes shock-therapy and Chinese water torture. What an A-hole!
He's nothing like our beloved Tom Cruise.
Here's a scenario to wrap your head around:
If a doctor were to prescribe you some Aderol, he wouldn't do blood tests! The doctor probably doesn't even know the history of psychiatry!
Another exclamation!
If you were to see Tom Cruise about ADD, the first thing he wouldn't do is give you Aderol. Number one he'd explain to you the complete unabridged version of the history of psychiatry. Fifteen hours later, he would do a blood test. After the results, he would tell you to eat healthy diet and exercise a lot.
The beautiful thing about the Tom Cruise method (which does not alter the mind at all!) is that is works where others have failed!
Schizophrenia? Eat some broccoli, bitch.
Postpartum depression? Try walking for 30 minutes, douche bag.
PTSD? Try meditation dick-wad.
What am I like two years too late? Whatev, I need some tomato juice.

Craptacular?!?!?

So there is another company that shares the same floor as my company. They moved in about a month or so ago. That's not a big deal, but what is a big deal is how the bathroom always reeks of death because one of those dudes is always dropping loaf!
Seriously, every time I go in there, someone's stinking up the place.
First Argument to debunk: "How do you know it's not one of your coworkers?"
There's like 7 dudes that work in my office, and I walk by all of them when I go to the bathroom.
First counterpoint to demolish: "It's a bathroom, it's supposed to smell."
Does your bathroom smell like sewer-ass for 8 to 12 hours every day because of constant deification? I think not.
Supporting evidence:
1) There's this short dude that craps at least two times a day.
2) I drink a lot of water (about 1,000 gallons a day) so I'm in there multiple times during the day.
3) The smell!!!!

I also forgot to mention how unscrupulous and uncouth their crapping habits are!
I have documented proof from building management that states that one of them wipes their butt with newspaper!
Totally not cool.

The Work Polo

Last December my work gave all its employees an excellent bonus! We were able to choose from a long-sleeve dress shirt, an 80s-style sweatshirt or a polo. What makes the shirt particularly awesome is that it has the business' logo embroidered on it. Every Friday I wear my polo shirt because I love it, but nobody else does. I guess I'm just super motivated.

Wow! A Year Has Past!

It's been a crazy year of not posting blogs! Remember all of the good times we had? Like how I watched Cool Runnings for two days straight! I can't believe how much of a powerhouse superstar Doug E. Doug was back than. I mean, a whole movie dedicated to him doing a Jamaican accent?!? John Candy was once an Olympic bobsled champion?!? Talk about suspension of disbelief.
Maybe I can get some funds to make a sequel. I think the world still has some burning questions that need to be answered.

The Apple! (originally posted on 1-7-07)

Today I saw an apple chilling on top of a vending machine.
My first instinct was to eat the apple, my mind told me, "Hey, look at that apple. I'd really like to eat one."
That thought was immediately squashed by the one that said, "Whoa! Who knows where that apple has been! It could also be laced with formaldehyde. You could die if you eat that!"
So, I did not eat the apple. I wish I did, though.
My brain immediately began to wonder if there had been a time where it was okay to eat random apples found in obscure locations.
I deduced that it was probably the time that grandparents talk about when they say, "It was a simpler time back then."
You know, when kids worked in coal mines, people would crap themselves if they took the ol' Model T over 15 miles per hour.
Then I thought about why we stopped eating randomly located fruit.
It was probably the time when assholes started sticking razor blades in apples, and gave them to children on Halloween.
Then I thought, "Who the fuck would give out an apple, let alone eat one, on Halloween?"
I than got a little hot under the collar.
One for the dickheads who gave me apples when I trick or treated as a kid, and two, for the assholes that ruined America's favorite snack with laced fruit and razor blades.
This is all true, except the part where I wrote apples were America's favorite snack.

Awkward! (With funny David Cross inflection) (Originally posted 12-13-06)

Ummm...I'm thinking of awkward things, or things that make me feel really awkward.
For one, hearing people having personal conversations in public is quite Awkard!
It's not really a pet peeve, because it doesn't really upset me, but it does make my brain hurt.
It kind of reminds me of in the movie Johnny Mnemonic, when Keanu uploads the cure for "the clap" into his brain. Yeah, it's an insane amount of info, like 320 Gb (roughly the size of the library of congress). The only way he can keep his mind sane is by doing Tai Chi in a bathroom.
When hearing someone talking on a phone extremely loud, about something extremely personal (usually a DUI, child custody), I bleed from my nose and go do Tai Chi in a bathroom.
I then go on a rant about how I want room service and a hot towel. Then a couple of Ice T's friends accidentally almost drop a car on me from a burnt out bridge.
Then Henry Rollins shows up and gets killed by a guy called the Street Preacher.
Awkward!

Checks made out of chocolate...

I received a telemarketing call from India tonight at 9:30 p.m. Not only are telemarketers annoying when they're from the U.S.A., they're 100 times more annoying when they don't speak your language, let alone understand it.
Re-enactment:
Me: Hello
Kathy (This is probably her real name too): Ahh yes, hello, may I please speak with Dahvid or Stawcee (that how she pronounced it)
Me: What's this regarding?
Kathy: Do you have a mortgage on your home?
Me: no.
Kathy: You don't have a mortgage on your home?
Me: No, I live in a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, drawn by golden steeds in golden showers.
Kathy: what?
Me: I also don't have any money, I pay for everything in Monopoly money and I write checks made out of chocolate.
Kathy: chocolate?
Me: Yes, Chocolate, I write checks made out of chocolate!
Kathy: hmmsafma
(English-accent dude picks up)
ED: Ah yes Mrs. Wylie...
Me: Mr. Wylie
ED: My sales associate Kathy tells me you do not have a mortgage...
Me: That's right, I live in the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, and I write checks made out of chocolate.
ED: Ah yes sir, you have a good week now.
Me: Click!
Ohh, those bastards! I dare em to call me back!

Stephen King? Times 3?!?

In my office building, lurks Stephen king. Not just one Stephen King, but THREE!!! Count 'em THREEE! It really freaks me out when I see one of the Steph (Steve) clones, but today I rode in the elevator with all THREE! I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I mean, I was standing there with Stephen King to the third power. The very man who haunted many of my childhood dreams with movies like Creepshow, The Shining and It.
But the weird thing about Steve3 is that all of them represent a a different Steph (Steve). There's a young one, a middle aged one and an old one.
Young one looks like the Steph (Steve) from that one John Carpenter movie, where he made a cameo (Kameo, Elements of Power)
The MA one looks about the time about the movie The Stand.
And TO one look like Steph (Steve) now.
Creepy.
Creepier then Leslie Neilsen in Creepshow and all those infomercials that advertised The Stand at 3 a.m. in th morining during the 80s/90s: COMBINED!